“The only journey is the one within.” Rainer Maria Rilke

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

I have had an interesting 2 months; when I embarked on this journey I did not know that it would require a lot of me, all of me to get through this. There is a different me, that has emerged and it’s even shocking to me. It’s true what Rainer Maria Rilke says “The only journey is the one within" I have realized that when you want something to happen, it’s all in the mind, coupled with determination and will power. There is of course the Grace of God that avalanches us to carry on, because all by myself I cannot do it.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last 2 months that has slowed me down in my journey towards a better me, and healthier Tendai. However, I am quickly getting a grip, was slipping fast into a black hole that was sucking me deep into nothingness and isolation. I am back on the journey. Its tough kani, it’s not for the faint hearted at all. I was an eagle losing its feathers (shading), and it felt like that was the end of me, my wings were going and flying would be a thing of the past. I thought I would never fell the wind beneath my wings. But the beauty of nature is an eagle will grow back its wings and the eagle will fly again with stronger and very beautiful wings! Hanti zvinonzi, they that wait upon the Lord, shall find renewed strength; they shall mount up on high, with wings, like the eagle. They shall run run run and they shall not grow weary.

Food is delicious and is my biggest battle; it’s so comforting and filling and never lets you down. It hits nerves that no one else or anything can ever. But I realized this is all in the mind and it’s about self control. When I thought about the self control part, I was like hiii, Tendi get a grip. You are in control; you cannot be controlled by food! I mean who wants to be thought of as a person without self control, like seriously, who? One thing I have also realized in my lapse is weight is so easily gained; I gained back 4.5kgs in 2 months of the 7kgs I had lost and worked hard to lose in 4 months. Imagine how much time effort and determination, I need to put in now, to lose weight and get back on track. But I have the determination and I have eagle attitude saka the journey continues.

I have realized that when I was out of control emotionally, especially angry, anxious for something; I had used food as a drug, to keep me calm; now I have changed, I either take a skipping rope, or go for a walk/jog. I also have begun to speak affirmations to myself. Some I Google, others I have made myself and some from great books and authors. When I feel depressed I watch Anne Kansime or look for a good laugh (which is a great abdominal workout). I have realized that a great book, which gives me knowledge I didn’t previously have also gives me energy to carry on. Right now I am reading The Greatness Manual by Rabison Shumba (recommended book for everyone's library) it’s my sanity pill and oxygen tank right now.

Oh and then there is those people, who are following me just to see, me fail; well; news flash!!! The righteous fall 7 times and yet rise again. I may fall or derail but I will and have gotten back on my feet kani; I am a ruthless go getter. I will not stop until I cross the finishing line. Whenever I put my mind to something I do it, and I do it honestly, not to please anyone, but for myself; I have more people surrounding me to keep me going and helping me stay focused. I love the fact that I am running my race the best way I know how. It’s not an easy journey, used to be a journey less traveled, but a lot have since joined the narrow and rocky road. I will succeed and conquer. I have great friends, family, mentors, workmates and pastors, keeping me in check!

I will not lie, I have days when I retaliate to go to the gym, or even wake up in the morning to walk. I feel like ah, what’s the point? This is who I have become and I should embrace it. Then pandisingaende, I would now have idol time, what a waste, because I will be doing nothing. Yes, it is who I am at present, but that's not whom I am meant to be. I have had moments I feel so angry because I got myself here and that now it’s costing me money and time to get back to whom I should be. I have cried at night, praying that it will melt away, or wake up and I have no fat or big tummy. I have cried endlessly thinking if I cry hard enough I will lose weight.  Not to look sexy, nooo, but to live long enough to accomplish that which I was formed for; to live long enough to see my children's children; live long enough to enjoy life and see places I have not seen. If I am over weight I might die of obesity or diabetes.  

I have since realized that I have to go through this process because it’s not an event. I have a better relationship with myself and I am better able to receive criticism compared to when I wasn't on the wholeness journey. I was never comfortable to be by myself in a silent space because I did no want to face myself. Now I can be without fear of facing me. I had a meeting with my mentor about 2 months back and she reminded me of the things I had said I would do, that I was far from accomplishing what I had written down and spoken to her about. I then realized that greatness and accomplishment of goals regardless of which goal it is needs constant reminders. Mentors are great progress trackers for real.

I was feeling like I was going in circles, not sure anymore if I was coming or going, I felt like life was throwing at me lemons all the time and feeling stagnant. Workout is the only thing that brought me sanity and purpose, without forgetting the feel good hormones that are released after a workout and you feel like a million bucks. I sort God for myself, I started communicating with God more and reading my word, because I could face me, I could meditate on the word and have direct conversation with God. So my physical and spiritual were sorted, but I still wanted more; what was going on with my dreams and destiny? I decided to go back to finding out why I was abandoning my call to greatness, what has squeezed out my passion and will power to be great? One of them was I felt that I give and give and give and give, but not getting at all. Then I realized no one owes me anything!!

Warning: there are energy suckers in this world; people see your passion for life and energy that you become prey of these vampires. Because I was full of life and passionate about my journey, I found I had more suitors than before my wholeness journey. I soon realized they just wanted my energy and slow me down. I know because you are happier and more positive about life, you attract like people, but some are just time wasters and potential killers. I am wiser now. I have realized people are attracted to body yes, but they are drawn by personality mostly.

Ok, had gone off track, a lil; back to the working out. I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to regarding holding on to the journey of weight loss and the can of worms it brings; I am here. I will give you the best support possible; you might be shocked you will help me in return. When you are weak I am strong and when you are strong I am weak. The journey within is more complicated than the journey people are watching from the sidelines. So I urge you run your race the best way you know how, seek to be better than you were yesterday, not better than the person next to me.