Its true what they say: a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. After blogging my heart out concerning the journey am embarking. I received numerous calls and solidarity messages on my wall, my facebook inbox and mail box. I had so many messages I did not know people loved and cared for me that much. I was broken and yet felt some unusual warmth in my heart. I knew God was speaking to me through people.
Some even joined me in this journey and pludged to deal with their own issues. Especially for themselves. I realised my life really is not my own. Ones courages propells others to take a stand and be confident in themselves. I sign of on my Gmail, believe in yourself and others will believe in you too.
Believe you can do it. Not just in weight loss. But that meeting they were avoiding, the education you postpone, the love you let go, the job you were meant to apply, that person you were meant to forgive...whatever the issue avoided: I have encouraged hundreds to deal/heal with their issues. Now that's being a vessel, God's vessel. Glory honour and power to him.
So I had to take another bold step.......the scale.
Coming face to face with the scale was going to be hectic, that I knew. I would be facing my reality head on. Gosh.. I kept postponing to get weighed. I knew this will be hard evidence of how much weight I was carrying around - literally and figuratively. I mean who loves the scale? I hadn't been on one for 10years. I knew my dress size, hanti that's what's important? So ah, I didn't want to weigh myself.
So there I was, looking at the scale and freaking out. Nhai Mwari, do I have to do this? I knew I had to, because that is the only way I would track my weight loss, my healing and the process. Besides I was to be calculated my weight height wat wat. Futi you can't just look in the mirror and see your body changing or shrinking, thats not dealing with issues.
The scale! Empirical evidence. Vital! A real wake up call.
I got so angry, tears starting falling. I was burning with discomfort. I didn't want to do it. No! Please. Why. It's just numbers. Ah. I experienced a breakdown I didn't anticipate. I was now craving comfort food, something salty actually. I was overwhelmed. I was totally resisting to get weighed. My feet felt heavy, I couldn't lift them onto the scale. I was feeling crowded by the nurse who looked on to read the weight. Right there she represented the world that would judge me harshly and shake their heads with disgust.
The pain was too much. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. Heish....it had to be done.
I told myself, get a grip Tendi its the process - the dealing/healing process. You have to see how heavy up you are too deal with the weight. The parallel of the weight you caring in your heart, mind, soul and life.
The lady I had asked to help me looked confused. She couldn't understand why just getting onto a scale would be so emotionally dramatic. Well I wiped my tears with my top, removed my shoes, closed my eyes and stepped onto the scale.
The nurse tapped me on the shoulder and told me there was no reading! Wtf! No reading! What do you mean? It gets upto 125kgs what do you mean there us no reading? Look again, I insisted now claustrophobic, pulputating and crying. Where was my mother? Why on eartg did I come for this weighing by myself? But you see somethings in life you should face along. Besides the honest truth of what I had done to myself was staring me in the face.
The nurse suggested I go to the one they used by butchers to weigh meat. Haaaa I cried, kuchema zvekuchema zviya zviya.. I was now in unweighable by normal scale they had to call in the big guns. ... for animals here veduwe? I sat on the follow thinking if i cry hard enough I will drown from my own tears.
I couldn't deal or bear. Anyway I gathered the whole of me. Called around, and found that animal scale. I went there quickly and was weighed quickly 133kgs heish thats overweight. I laughed when the man said to me; 'but you don't look it and you don't seen weighed down by your weight. You carry it well'. I smiled coz he made me feel better. I was a wrecking ball of anger hurt and guilt.
When I got home I cried myself to sleep. Woke up with swolken eyes at the sound of my alarm.Still depressed and It being the first day I was to exercise, I had my alarm set for 5am. And faithfully it went off at 5am. I silenced it quickly and went back to bed. i was thinking this is not possible. Am too much overweight and ah this is who i am. In my mind I was thinking.... if Peace doesn't wake me up to exercise well, thats it, you have given me a sign Lord that am fearky and wonderfully made. This is my category. In retrospect. ...really sokostina? Lolest.
Oh I know, you are all saints you dont have excuses for anything. I do, especially this God give me a sign nonsense. Remember the devil is listening also, he can send counterfeit signs to slow you down.
She gently knocked at my door at 5:12am asking me whether my alarm was working. I grumply told her its working. She firmly instructed me to get dressed for exercise.
I wasn't sure what she had in store for me. I thought walking or jogging. She told me because I was unfit and overweight, we didn't want to hurt my ankles so yoga was the best place to start........... to be continued (blogged from my phone)
