There is a lot of things i have avoided in my life, well i should say: avoided to DEAL/HEAL with. I have thought it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and remain in Denial that i was/am hurt, i am vulnerable and dejected. The16 Days of Activism this year have brought about a courage in me that i did not think was possible. Yes i am courageous, when i stand for women's rights, but for some absurd reason, i wasn't standing for Tendai's rights.
The right to be happy, the right to be free from anger, the right to love again, the right to feel good, the right to embrace my beauty, the right to freedom of speech and expression, the right to laugh, the right to live a life without regrets, the right of association and the right.........
I have been going through life with a weight on my back, literally, i do have serious back pain when i walk or stand for an extended time; which came about because i wanted to hide my beauty from men. I thought to my self, hey if i am big and full, no one will want me and i would be safe from the vultures. They would not hurt me again, use me and leave me and beat me up or be seen sexy... a sex object. The men in my life had let me down to date and i was tired of dealing with this unusual and complicated species. So, i gained weight, my emotions were and still are entangled with food. When a angry i eat, happy-eat, sad- eat, stressed - eat. Unlike people who loose weight when stressed, i gain it. So musaone kufuta kudai muchiti i good living, pane zvinenge zvititondinetsa. For years i have had people say you need to loose weight, with holier than though tones. Because you cant tell everyone your story, i just say ok, i will.
I have even started weight loss programs myself and aborted them on the way, when i realized i was getting noticed by men, all the emotions flooded again and i felt abused and used again. Dealing with rape and violence is not an easy journey, and loosing weight meant each pound lost was a weight off my back and thus dealing with the issues that caused the weight gain again. Felt like knives through my heart...
So why am i sharing this? you might be saying so what?
Well, its for me mainly, i think i am ready for self therapy and self healing that comes with embarking on the journey of weight loss. Facing the demons with not only The Word of God and prayer, but with practicality. I am not saying its going to be easy and drastic, but a painful journey with hills and valleys and all sorts of experiences, rivers to cross and oceans to swim. I know i will have all these emotions following in and out as i take this journey. i will blog when i can but i will try at least 3 times a week.
This weight loss is more a healing process for me; i wasn't born skinny NO, nor was i born this way - lady gaga, but i know what i need to deal with so i can be a better person, first for self and then for all that surround me because they love me. Lol! of course there will be those with vile tongues that will crtitise and say all they want, but hey, its allowed, you are entitled to your opinions, but they are not facts, but shame, say all you want but its my journey and i am taking it because i want to.
One would ask have you not do this before, i have, but i couldn't deal with....
There is Jacky Nyabereka who has introduced me to skinny fibre, but more, she is willing to walk this journey with me to be my discipline barometer. Jacky, you are brave, because you know i have a strong mind of my own, and when the emotional pain attached to the weight is being shed off and its painful, i might be a bit difficult. When i wake up with Peace Mtize in the morning to walk and exercise, or when i don't feel like it, bare with me. when the tears and the hurt intensifies... all in the process of healing, pray for me.
Weight loss is a journey and not an event, do not be quick to shout your shallow opinions about who needs to loose weight to make yourself feel superior or secure, focus on healing self issues. You might have a perfect body great for you, but i have what i have let be heal and deal the best way i know how.
I know i know, you are rolling your eyes, its for you or about you, its my journey i am walking and courage am taking. I am scared, very afraid of the can of worms this will open for me, am not even sure i am strong enough, or should i remain who i am because that's who you all know now, BUT you see, its not about making everyone happy but knowing who i am and whom am becoming and Mai Tawanda embracing life for her.
So here goes.............first step
