Strengthening myself in the Lord

Last night must have been the longest night yet for me this year. I couldn't sleep because i was busy re-arranging heavy furniture in my mind and heart aka over thinking. I was thinking am i the only one going through Shit loads of issues (yes i said shit). Am i the only one who keeps pressing and enduring and supplicating and praying and wailing and travailing anyway i found comfort in the following Scripture:

Psalm 18

The Message (MSG)

A David Song, Which He Sang to God After Being Saved from All His Enemies and from Saul

18 1-2 I love you, God—
    you make me strong.
God is bedrock under my feet,
    the castle in which I live,
    my rescuing knight.
My God—the high crag
    where I run for dear life,
    hiding behind the boulders,
    safe in the granite hideout.

3 I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty,
    and find myself safe and saved.

4-5 The hangman’s noose was tight at my throat;
    devil waters rushed over me.
Hell’s ropes cinched me tight;
    death traps barred every exit.

6 A hostile world! I call to God,
    I cry to God to help me.
From his palace he hears my call;
    my cry brings me right into his presence—
    a private audience!

7-15 Earth wobbles and lurches;
    huge mountains shake like leaves,
Quake like aspen leaves
    because of his rage.
His nostrils flare, bellowing smoke;
    his mouth spits fire.
Tongues of fire dart in and out;
    he lowers the sky.
He steps down;
    under his feet an abyss opens up.
He’s riding a winged creature,
    swift on wind-wings.
Now he’s wrapped himself
    in a trenchcoat of black-cloud darkness.
But his cloud-brightness bursts through,
    spraying hailstones and fireballs.
Then God thundered out of heaven;
    the High God gave a great shout,
    spraying hailstones and fireballs.
God shoots his arrows—pandemonium!
    He hurls his lightnings—a rout!
The secret sources of ocean are exposed,
    the hidden depths of earth lie uncovered
The moment you roar in protest,
    let loose your hurricane anger.

16-19 But me he caught—reached all the way
    from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
    the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
    but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
    I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

20-24 God made my life complete
    when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
    he gave me a fresh start.
Now I’m alert to God’s ways;
    I don’t take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
    I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
    and I’m watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

25-27 The good people taste your goodness,
The whole people taste your health,
The true people taste your truth,
The bad ones can’t figure you out.
You take the side of the down-and-out,
But the stuck-up you take down a peg.

28-29 Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life;
    I’m blazing with glory, God’s glory!
I smash the bands of marauders,
    I vault the highest fences.

30 What a God! His road
    stretches straight and smooth.
Every God-direction is road-tested.
    Everyone who runs toward him
Makes it.

31-42 Is there any god like God?
    Are we not at bedrock?
Is not this the God who armed me,
    then aimed me in the right direction?
Now I run like a deer;
    I’m king of the mountain.
He shows me how to fight;
    I can bend a bronze bow!
You protect me with salvation-armor;
    you hold me up with a firm hand,
    caress me with your gentle ways.
You cleared the ground under me
    so my footing was firm.
When I chased my enemies I caught them;
    I didn’t let go till they were dead men.
I nailed them; they were down for good;
    then I walked all over them.
You armed me well for this fight,
    you smashed the upstarts.
You made my enemies turn tail,
    and I wiped out the haters.
They cried “uncle”
    but Uncle didn’t come;
They yelled for God
    and got no for an answer.
I ground them to dust; they gusted in the wind.
    I threw them out, like garbage in the gutter.

43-45 You rescued me from a squabbling people;
    you made me a leader of nations.
People I’d never heard of served me;
    the moment they got wind of me they listened.
The foreign devils gave up; they came
    on their bellies, crawling from their hideouts.

46-48 Live, God! Blessings from my Rock,
    my free and freeing God, towering!
This God set things right for me
    and shut up the people who talked back.
He rescued me from enemy anger,
    he pulled me from the grip of upstarts,
He saved me from the bullies.

49-50 That’s why I’m thanking you, God,
    all over the world.
That’s why I’m singing songs
    that rhyme your name.
God’s king takes the trophy;
    God’s chosen is beloved.
I mean David and all his children—
    always.

“The only journey is the one within.” Rainer Maria Rilke

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

I have had an interesting 2 months; when I embarked on this journey I did not know that it would require a lot of me, all of me to get through this. There is a different me, that has emerged and it’s even shocking to me. It’s true what Rainer Maria Rilke says “The only journey is the one within" I have realized that when you want something to happen, it’s all in the mind, coupled with determination and will power. There is of course the Grace of God that avalanches us to carry on, because all by myself I cannot do it.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last 2 months that has slowed me down in my journey towards a better me, and healthier Tendai. However, I am quickly getting a grip, was slipping fast into a black hole that was sucking me deep into nothingness and isolation. I am back on the journey. Its tough kani, it’s not for the faint hearted at all. I was an eagle losing its feathers (shading), and it felt like that was the end of me, my wings were going and flying would be a thing of the past. I thought I would never fell the wind beneath my wings. But the beauty of nature is an eagle will grow back its wings and the eagle will fly again with stronger and very beautiful wings! Hanti zvinonzi, they that wait upon the Lord, shall find renewed strength; they shall mount up on high, with wings, like the eagle. They shall run run run and they shall not grow weary.

Food is delicious and is my biggest battle; it’s so comforting and filling and never lets you down. It hits nerves that no one else or anything can ever. But I realized this is all in the mind and it’s about self control. When I thought about the self control part, I was like hiii, Tendi get a grip. You are in control; you cannot be controlled by food! I mean who wants to be thought of as a person without self control, like seriously, who? One thing I have also realized in my lapse is weight is so easily gained; I gained back 4.5kgs in 2 months of the 7kgs I had lost and worked hard to lose in 4 months. Imagine how much time effort and determination, I need to put in now, to lose weight and get back on track. But I have the determination and I have eagle attitude saka the journey continues.

I have realized that when I was out of control emotionally, especially angry, anxious for something; I had used food as a drug, to keep me calm; now I have changed, I either take a skipping rope, or go for a walk/jog. I also have begun to speak affirmations to myself. Some I Google, others I have made myself and some from great books and authors. When I feel depressed I watch Anne Kansime or look for a good laugh (which is a great abdominal workout). I have realized that a great book, which gives me knowledge I didn’t previously have also gives me energy to carry on. Right now I am reading The Greatness Manual by Rabison Shumba (recommended book for everyone's library) it’s my sanity pill and oxygen tank right now.

Oh and then there is those people, who are following me just to see, me fail; well; news flash!!! The righteous fall 7 times and yet rise again. I may fall or derail but I will and have gotten back on my feet kani; I am a ruthless go getter. I will not stop until I cross the finishing line. Whenever I put my mind to something I do it, and I do it honestly, not to please anyone, but for myself; I have more people surrounding me to keep me going and helping me stay focused. I love the fact that I am running my race the best way I know how. It’s not an easy journey, used to be a journey less traveled, but a lot have since joined the narrow and rocky road. I will succeed and conquer. I have great friends, family, mentors, workmates and pastors, keeping me in check!

I will not lie, I have days when I retaliate to go to the gym, or even wake up in the morning to walk. I feel like ah, what’s the point? This is who I have become and I should embrace it. Then pandisingaende, I would now have idol time, what a waste, because I will be doing nothing. Yes, it is who I am at present, but that's not whom I am meant to be. I have had moments I feel so angry because I got myself here and that now it’s costing me money and time to get back to whom I should be. I have cried at night, praying that it will melt away, or wake up and I have no fat or big tummy. I have cried endlessly thinking if I cry hard enough I will lose weight.  Not to look sexy, nooo, but to live long enough to accomplish that which I was formed for; to live long enough to see my children's children; live long enough to enjoy life and see places I have not seen. If I am over weight I might die of obesity or diabetes.  

I have since realized that I have to go through this process because it’s not an event. I have a better relationship with myself and I am better able to receive criticism compared to when I wasn't on the wholeness journey. I was never comfortable to be by myself in a silent space because I did no want to face myself. Now I can be without fear of facing me. I had a meeting with my mentor about 2 months back and she reminded me of the things I had said I would do, that I was far from accomplishing what I had written down and spoken to her about. I then realized that greatness and accomplishment of goals regardless of which goal it is needs constant reminders. Mentors are great progress trackers for real.

I was feeling like I was going in circles, not sure anymore if I was coming or going, I felt like life was throwing at me lemons all the time and feeling stagnant. Workout is the only thing that brought me sanity and purpose, without forgetting the feel good hormones that are released after a workout and you feel like a million bucks. I sort God for myself, I started communicating with God more and reading my word, because I could face me, I could meditate on the word and have direct conversation with God. So my physical and spiritual were sorted, but I still wanted more; what was going on with my dreams and destiny? I decided to go back to finding out why I was abandoning my call to greatness, what has squeezed out my passion and will power to be great? One of them was I felt that I give and give and give and give, but not getting at all. Then I realized no one owes me anything!!

Warning: there are energy suckers in this world; people see your passion for life and energy that you become prey of these vampires. Because I was full of life and passionate about my journey, I found I had more suitors than before my wholeness journey. I soon realized they just wanted my energy and slow me down. I know because you are happier and more positive about life, you attract like people, but some are just time wasters and potential killers. I am wiser now. I have realized people are attracted to body yes, but they are drawn by personality mostly.

Ok, had gone off track, a lil; back to the working out. I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to regarding holding on to the journey of weight loss and the can of worms it brings; I am here. I will give you the best support possible; you might be shocked you will help me in return. When you are weak I am strong and when you are strong I am weak. The journey within is more complicated than the journey people are watching from the sidelines. So I urge you run your race the best way you know how, seek to be better than you were yesterday, not better than the person next to me.