ok, so where to start its a monday and almost a week after i got robbed, the things i had spent my life working for, you wake up and there is nothing, like nothing in the house. i remember the day so clearly i did not want to think, my usual problem, i just carried on like there was nothing wrong, told myself, be strong don't be silly, people will think u do not have faith. Yes i was grateful noone got hurt, that they got in and out without hurting anyone i loved, but the biggest thing they had hurt was my heart and my will power to just trust. i feel so violated and aaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh anger is somewhere there in the mix of things.
i know myself to have gone thru really crazy thing in like, facing domestic violence, staying in musasa project, being a single mother. loosing a man i had given my best years to someone else, then going thru a divorce, being alone, with my son and finding my way with Christ in me only, i know iknow, most christians would then say yes, thats all u need, and yes i know that, but there comes a point in you life you are like Lord, when is it my turn to experience sweet victory. one thing i know is that even those that love you will never know or understand wat is going on inside you, or how much you need help, and how far the help should go.
then you are those that think they are doing you a favour to talk to you, and that my life would stop without them, well that was like random, but hey, a girl need to go random at times.
Then you are in line to be a deacon and there are the watchdogs that just sit around and wait for you to make a mistake and take u out. then people forget that u need time to self and cmy child, they just dump on u things, ok, i know i allow them as well, but am better now, i can even say No, when i see it fit too. pressure! ok that was random too.
I am so weak, i feel like heish Lord, saka, ndosvika riini, ndichicelebrator other people's victories. Yes i know stand, having done all to stand, and like i said to my brothe r Bvumai, then why d i do all the standing while others are sitting or lying down, my legs will swell ka. . Yes yes, i hear you christians, its darkest before dawn, huh? ok, then its pitch black right now, someone tell me what time is it right. It is doing my head in. Yes, do not be fooled, i love my God i know what He has done for me and whta He keeps doing, am just tired. You hear people say the devil is there to steal kill and destroy, i even said that when i got robbed, and then today it hit me, why am i just content with the first half of John 10:10 and then when is my But He has come to give you life and life more abundantly.
i know we celebrate even the smallest of breakthrus, but heish, i would so love big ones. In my church there is a course called walking free, i thought to myself, maybe i need to go wash myself in something, and then i did, in the blood of Jesus, but ok, now wat, wait?? hmmmmmmmmm, heish the Juanita kinda wait, ahhhh! well i have not even exercised because handina strength yacho, i really am waitign to see, when it is my turn to just say heeeeeee! and i am thinking if i feel like this, how is my son, he is young and really needs the cover and support, i think i need to slow down and just be with Tinayemudiwa, but then again, a support system that is strong has helped me come this far.
Tinayemudiwa does not even feel secure to be home anymore, he wants out, because he consistantly thinks matsotsi will come and steal him this time. and to add insult to injury his dad, plays passive dad, and when it suits him, he looks for him, i just want him to be there for his son, call him, talk to him, i know he is going to the uk to see his dad, but then wat? will he feel loved and covered and protected and cherished. i fear that he will come back rejected and i will have a lot of damage control to do. ok, i have so many thougts right now and i did not even think i had all this.
i want my mother home, like seriously, as serious as a heart attack. there is no place u should go without your mother, (that too goes for my son, uk, hmmmm) i miss my mother, there is one time in april, my sister had just moved back from the uk for good, and we had a huge fight, and all i need was to be somewhere i was loved and cared for, i went to my dad's house(lol big mistake) Charity, my father's wife, whom by the way has never been abused or shouted at by anyone for coming to be a second wife, decides to illtreat me, all i know is wat goes around comes around, maybe not on you, but on the next generation. if you steal someone's husband be rest assured your daughter will experience the same thing, someone will take her, ok random again, focus tendi.
so Lord, ok, this is my simple plee today, hold me! i need you to be tangible right now, my emotions seem to be all over like body lotion, and yes i am strong, yes i can fight, and yes i ca do all things thru christ who strengthens me! so here i am Lord desperate for a touch, to hear your voice, to see your greatness, to shout and see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. well then i gues psalm 91 will have to get tired with me, because i will meditate on it day and night, i am not forgotten, i am the apple of God's eye, He brags about me all the time and likes to show off of my faithfulness.
there is no other name, the main name is the name of Jesus, He is able................
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