Teaser for my Book, coming soon - "A letter to my 20s"

“Did I waste my 20s, because I really feel like I wasted my 20s”? I blurted out as soon as my Skype call connected to Maureen 3 days before my 30^th birthday. The 7^th of November 2012 was now seemingly a doomsday for me! I decided, without giving Maureen a chance to respond to my madness, that I was going to write my 20s a letter and I would share it with her. “Ok, Maureen catch you on the 7^th I will have at least a 4 paged letter to my 20s for you to read, so later, I have a letter to write, thank you and I love you, goodbye.” Poor Maureen she didn’t get a chance to ask me what I was on about, where was this coming from and why on earth was I so freaked out about turning 30?

A letter to my 20s, why write letter to my 20s, why the 20s, why a letter? Who on earth writes themselves a letter, to God yes, but to oneself, uhmmm? Oh, are we checking sanity levels now? I will ask you this; who picks other people’s letters and reads them? (Gotcha!) I know letters to be private and for the eyes of the addressed only; but there you are sticking your nose into my business (laugh out loud) and reading my letter! Yes, a letter, because it is the best platform to explicitly communicate a message. It is empirical evidence in black and white of intrinsic psychological, physical and emotional processes that happens within a person to be disciplined enough to actually end up writing a letter to someone, and in this case it’s to me. This means being vulnerable to self, embracing, exposing and facing inner secrets, fears, failures, faults and fascinations and personalized thoughts.

Well, maybe, just maybe I went through my 20s without processing the process, and now I wanted/ to do this as an inventory, an audit or should I say an introspection of where I was coming from and who I had become; if I was becoming something at that? I felt like my 20hs were like a cloud and nothing tangible had happened. Had I floated around hoping to be a rain cloud or a winter cloud or I would disappear into thin air and never materialize to a meaning precipitation of some sort.

 I was caught up in a web of emotions and lost into nothingness of thoughts, fading like ink on an ancient roman manuscript; or was it falling into a huge black hole, being sucked in by the forces of something indescribable? I felt a lot of my experiences were left wide open without closure,  just needed to put a lid on it. There had been a lot of cooking and stewing and roasting and and and……. The food was never served, nothing was plated, as if the stove and pots were stolen (which reminds me when I got robbed at 28, pots, pans, plates, stove and all; but that has its own chapter). In retrospect, this is no “4 paged letter, and I enclose it with a kiss” type letter that Aaliyah (God rest her Soul) sang in her early 20s (ironic) It’s going to be some kaleidoscopic letter, that clearly did not take me 3 days to write, and Maureen still hasn’t read it!

Where had my 20s gone to, and where I am is it where I want to be, how close or far am I from the road most/less traveled? There I was facing my 30s and I was not even sure I was ready for them, later alone done with my 20s. Did I need just one more year to deal with my 20s? Why couldn’t I freeze time, or been a scientist and build a time machine; go back in time? Even if I went back in time, which age of my 20s would I return or reincarnate to? The whole women are like wine notion; that we get finer with age; sounded like some ridiculous idea. If I was feeling so lost and lost; how the hell would I find myself and embrace me in my 30s? SO HERE GOES…

Dear 20s……

I have a web of emotions right now, I feel sooo, something intense, I am not even sure what it is. Life has been had if you must know there is a lot that happened when you had the reigns which affect me to date. There are things I need to get off my chest, remove the clogging so I can fully be and live my life.

Nhai 20s, you always did like to make an entrance, didn’t you, starting with age 20. You were like, heelllo 20 and boom, PREGNANT!! Just as you were beginning to enjoy the ummm, ahhhh, deeper, faster, no, there, keeping, doing that, yeeeeesssss, at, that, angel, deeper; then spasms, sweat, screams, heart, rate, up, name calling, vibrations, exhale and sigh…….…intense gratification. Then you go and get pregnant, at 20?! Did you not now there was contraception? I thought you were a peer educator who gave advice to other students on contraception. Tawanda is the most amazing child I know and he is my celebrated blessing. He indeed is a light to my world and has brought the best and worst out of me. I have become a better and more focused person because of him, otherwise I would have been some selfish bitch.

The reason I am is because you made the best decision and kept him for us, I could not imagine my world without him, it would be so meaningless and empty. The reason I want to be a better person is because of Tawanda and I strive to give him the best in life, yet at times when he was younger I wanted to prick his eyes out because he looked like his father so much.

Getting married to Tafadzwa was not the best decision, I should have listened to my grand mother. There were still a lot of insecurities, and no knowledge of self when i made this decision. Wait, patriarchy also helped me make this decision. "You are pregnant and therefore must get married" patriarchy said. I remember going to show him to my granny, she wasn’t amused, for some reason she did not like the idea of us getting married. They say old people know things, I am sure she knew things I did not know. There was a void, that I can remember, everything was moving so fast. Then my father beat up my other sadly because I was pregnant and was resisting to get married. My mother was hospitalized, the worst was she said you had ashamed her and that I had to do right by her and get married.

You must have felt life a thorn in the flesh because that’s when you attempted suicide, I know, at that point it did make sense to end the lives that were causing pain. If it wasn’t for Vimbai, this letter would be nonexistent, she saved your life, having drank half a bottle of painkillers. The feeling as I write you this letter has overwhelmed me all over. My father was already having and affair with his now second wife and wasn’t that caring anymore.

Needless to say, you were adventurous sexually I give you that; sex in the car, getting caught having sex in your boyfriend’s office by his boss. Oh and how about that time you have sex at the back of a moving open pickup track? I even remember how you got pregnant; are you ready? In a swimming pool! It must have been the thrill of almost getting caught or was it the unusual warmth and sensation of his penis as it slowly penetrated your vagina? What was it that made you want it raw like that? Should I give you the benefit of the doubt that passion and spontaneity took over common sense and logic or it was because condoms and water don’t mix? The thrill of 20s you try anything.

The day you got married, was the day you signed a death wish, I think the universe was like, you missed death by suicide, there for will give you your own death angel. To this day, I wonder how a man that loved you so much, used to send hundred red roses on valentines, drive over 40km to and from to see you, would beat you up to the point of death. That was one brutal marriage, I salute you for walking out. It’s a shame people insist if is not working and he is beating you, you can just walk out like nothing happened. Its not like that confirm

I need a break

i really need a break, kani, have you ever felt like that?

hello darling

its been a minute, and now with the introduction of tumblr i feel like i have neglected the one who looked after me for such a long time. that's is no way to treat the one who thought you to write freely, i will be visiting you more often and posting my journey in the weight loss arena. its been hard, heish, tomorrow i walk at least 6kms because i have not dome much this past week. i missed you that's for sure.

Manna Monday July 2014 extracts....

Every Monday i for the past 3 years i have written a Manna Monday motivational piece on Monday; this was to just appreciate life and the chance to make a difference in the life of other people's lives as well. Monday is a new lease to life and we should stop complaining that it is here, yet other people did not see the light or day of the day day you are loathing! 

Below are the last 2 posts that have had the most hits likes and comments since i started posting Manna Monday. 

Monday 7 July 2014

Manna Monday: Self Forgiveness 

Mahatma Gandhi“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

We are always encouraged to forgive others, 70x7per person the bible says, i want to challenge you this week to be patient with self and forgive yourself especially for the who decisions we make time and again that then cost us money and heart ache. i have been going through a self forgiving process this last week, boy did i through a pity party, i was suffering from rejection and of the decisions i have made that were terrible and have cost me relationships, money and progress in life. what i have realized is i have been very hard on myself, not that i should lower my standards and expectations, but come on, i am also human. Besides i know the truth coz its me, i know me, and at times forgiving oneself is hard, but it has got to be done!
These decisions and actions include the deals you did, that you then realized you were lied you and it was fraudulent; people you have trusted with your secrets; people you have dated; jobs you left for another, only to realize the grass is greener on the other side because its on a septic tank. there are so many things what we say i wish i coulda woulda shoulda, we then become so hard on ourselves we even self sabotage. 
the reason we are sad and we delay with progress is because we are so ashamed of the decisions we made that we can't even begin to forgive ourselves. Forgiveness is not an event, its a process; so start today to forgive yourself, you know what it is; you know what hurts you and slows you down. its ok to cry and be sad about it, but you have to get ahold of yourself and forgive yourself; then accept the apology and move on; say the serenity prayer and be at peace with yourself.
God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

We only live once and usually we are our own obstacles in life for progress and happiness; decide today to live a life that you forgive yourself and be more gracious with oneself. this is because forgiveness is a gift you give yourself!

Monday July 14 2014

Manna Monday: Self Forgiveness continued

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 
― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience

I was having a comprehensive discussion with my work mates last week on forgiving self and moving on. I learnt amazing facts from Slyvia Chahwanda that i ha to share, because it changed my life and helped me to let go and forgive myself faster. Tete (my dad's cousin) said that Tendai, go easy on yourself, you can not always cry over spilt milk because of the decisions you made which have now brought about serious repercussions or back lash now" She said, " when you made that decision at that time it made perfect sense to go that route, you had fully analysed and came to the conclusion that was the best decision to make. Now you are not in control of what then happens to the receivers of that decision and how they are as honest as you are on the same decision."

Tete made me realize i am only in control of me and not the other person and how they will react to any decision i make. Also embrace that mistakes and mishaps do happen and life has to e allowed to go on, so stop being your own life's biggest obstacle and dust yourself up and try again. The best you can be is honest to yourself and those that matter. Sis Joanne Manda taught me something i will never forget; "you owe no one an explanation, those that love you don't need it and those that don't love you will not believe you." i then learnt that, If you have to explain its for you sake. Hanzi go where you are loved and appreciated and not were you are tolerated. But this all begins with you, teach others how to forgive you so they also find it easy to forgive you.

Learn to say i am sorry to yourself, that way it will not be hard to say SORRY to others.... use this week to apologize to self for all the hurt you have afflicted yourself, punishing you for the decisions you made that then did not turn out as planned. Once you have done this, you will stop blaming self or others for the stagnation in your life, you embrace life, live it, love it, learn from it and laugh in it!
Have a blessed week! Remember let Go and Let God!

Accountability Breeds Discipline

The last 20 days have been full of fun laughter, tears and of course closeness to God. I am loving this Habit Reinforcement jouney for 42 days. It takes 21 on days to establish a habit, when you for some reason loose the habit, it takes double the time to reinforce it. This is why i am on a 42 day journey to exercise and eating right habit reinforcement journey. My cousin asked me why i even bother tell +3000 how i have exercised every morning?. When i started i thought the same, that i owe no one an explanation, and its true; those that love me, don't need it and those that don't love don't even care! So i tell for my own benefit actually. So that i have the energy and that nudge to wake in up in the morning, especially with this mean winter coming.

On day 3 of my posting i started getting inboxes and whatsapps from friends and family encouraging me to carry on and even giving me tips that worked for them. I was excited and knew that i could to it because Chara chimwe hachitwanyi inda ( loosely translated- more like direct translation: one finger cant crush lice). i need someone to challenge me and ask me of my movement, and i realized there are the watchers like Rutendo Chigudu, who will lovingly watch, then those; yes those, that watch waiting for me to fail, kwaaaaaaaaaaaa am on day 20; keep watching! The joy of words like, You can do it, i know you can; well done Tendi, i am proud of you; you go girl, you are a mean machine and come on girl, you looking beautiful each day ---- keep me going.

I have gotten a couple of hate mail, hanzi, hee kufuta, wat wat, you will never loose weight. I do not satisfy their stupidity by responding, i just take it in, and it gives me fuel to wake up in the morning and walk it off, at times, i dance it off. I have also refused to respond to some labels that people carelessly pass out, and i correct instantly! The thing is people are naturally threatened by confident people. They subconsciously want to bring them down to their level by finding fault, that will break their self esteem. When you find yourself just saying to people oh you are so big, oh you are so skinny, oh your skin is reacting, oh this and that; check yourself, you are having some self esteem issues yourself. You don't feel better by pulling others down. In some cases people might have chronic illnesses that they cant control to be in that state.

Anywhoooo I started getting people being encouraged to start their own health living journey from my post; i mean seriously: if i can do it, anyone can do it too. Some were sharing with me testimonies of how the accountability breeds discipline posts have changed their work life. Yes you heard me, work life. i was shocked too, work life? This taught me that you never how what you are doing can change people's lives for the better or worse. A guy told me it had changed his marriage; i also keep getting shocked, because my weight lose and marriage? like how? But hey it helping them. i love this journey because its seized to be mine alone, its now yedu (ours).

I am a happier person, more self confident and a serious information sponge. i love at my perfect imperfections and am living life with more energy and embrace. I work out with Peace and parallel with Tariro Tandi. i encourage those that want to establish a routine to find people who will work out with you or encourage you because it will breed discipline if you have someone to account to. You will also have to eat right, with the right quantities and enjoy it. make sure this is not done without the love for it and enjoyment because it will retaliate and you will hate it.

My spiritual life has blossomed over these past 20 days, i feel closer and closer to Jehovah, we talk more often and i read His word for growth, i feel alive. Fasting and praying which was becoming hard, is now a joy because i have the energy to pray. i even forgive easily, oh yes! i let it go if it doesn't cause harm to me in anyway.

With all this energy, i have a to do list, aligned to having fun of course; watch a movie - in a movie house, go watch Dynamos live at Rufaro Stadium, go and watch a play, attend an arts festival and enjoy life, go to a Winky D show kikikikiki, i want to live, love, learn, laugh and dance; not watch it pass by. so yes, if there is a habit you want to establish or reinforce, be accountable; in Celebration ministries we are encouraged to have an accountability partner, who helps you walk life's journey with principles that bring about a balance, responsible and disciplined person. Your friend, brother, sister, cousin or mentor can be your accountability partner, i just chose FB, just because i can.

Strengthening myself in the Lord

Last night must have been the longest night yet for me this year. I couldn't sleep because i was busy re-arranging heavy furniture in my mind and heart aka over thinking. I was thinking am i the only one going through Shit loads of issues (yes i said shit). Am i the only one who keeps pressing and enduring and supplicating and praying and wailing and travailing anyway i found comfort in the following Scripture:

Psalm 18

The Message (MSG)

A David Song, Which He Sang to God After Being Saved from All His Enemies and from Saul

18 1-2 I love you, God—
    you make me strong.
God is bedrock under my feet,
    the castle in which I live,
    my rescuing knight.
My God—the high crag
    where I run for dear life,
    hiding behind the boulders,
    safe in the granite hideout.

3 I sing to God, the Praise-Lofty,
    and find myself safe and saved.

4-5 The hangman’s noose was tight at my throat;
    devil waters rushed over me.
Hell’s ropes cinched me tight;
    death traps barred every exit.

6 A hostile world! I call to God,
    I cry to God to help me.
From his palace he hears my call;
    my cry brings me right into his presence—
    a private audience!

7-15 Earth wobbles and lurches;
    huge mountains shake like leaves,
Quake like aspen leaves
    because of his rage.
His nostrils flare, bellowing smoke;
    his mouth spits fire.
Tongues of fire dart in and out;
    he lowers the sky.
He steps down;
    under his feet an abyss opens up.
He’s riding a winged creature,
    swift on wind-wings.
Now he’s wrapped himself
    in a trenchcoat of black-cloud darkness.
But his cloud-brightness bursts through,
    spraying hailstones and fireballs.
Then God thundered out of heaven;
    the High God gave a great shout,
    spraying hailstones and fireballs.
God shoots his arrows—pandemonium!
    He hurls his lightnings—a rout!
The secret sources of ocean are exposed,
    the hidden depths of earth lie uncovered
The moment you roar in protest,
    let loose your hurricane anger.

16-19 But me he caught—reached all the way
    from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
    the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
    but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
    I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

20-24 God made my life complete
    when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
    he gave me a fresh start.
Now I’m alert to God’s ways;
    I don’t take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
    I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
    and I’m watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
    when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

25-27 The good people taste your goodness,
The whole people taste your health,
The true people taste your truth,
The bad ones can’t figure you out.
You take the side of the down-and-out,
But the stuck-up you take down a peg.

28-29 Suddenly, God, you floodlight my life;
    I’m blazing with glory, God’s glory!
I smash the bands of marauders,
    I vault the highest fences.

30 What a God! His road
    stretches straight and smooth.
Every God-direction is road-tested.
    Everyone who runs toward him
Makes it.

31-42 Is there any god like God?
    Are we not at bedrock?
Is not this the God who armed me,
    then aimed me in the right direction?
Now I run like a deer;
    I’m king of the mountain.
He shows me how to fight;
    I can bend a bronze bow!
You protect me with salvation-armor;
    you hold me up with a firm hand,
    caress me with your gentle ways.
You cleared the ground under me
    so my footing was firm.
When I chased my enemies I caught them;
    I didn’t let go till they were dead men.
I nailed them; they were down for good;
    then I walked all over them.
You armed me well for this fight,
    you smashed the upstarts.
You made my enemies turn tail,
    and I wiped out the haters.
They cried “uncle”
    but Uncle didn’t come;
They yelled for God
    and got no for an answer.
I ground them to dust; they gusted in the wind.
    I threw them out, like garbage in the gutter.

43-45 You rescued me from a squabbling people;
    you made me a leader of nations.
People I’d never heard of served me;
    the moment they got wind of me they listened.
The foreign devils gave up; they came
    on their bellies, crawling from their hideouts.

46-48 Live, God! Blessings from my Rock,
    my free and freeing God, towering!
This God set things right for me
    and shut up the people who talked back.
He rescued me from enemy anger,
    he pulled me from the grip of upstarts,
He saved me from the bullies.

49-50 That’s why I’m thanking you, God,
    all over the world.
That’s why I’m singing songs
    that rhyme your name.
God’s king takes the trophy;
    God’s chosen is beloved.
I mean David and all his children—
    always.

“The only journey is the one within.” Rainer Maria Rilke

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

I have had an interesting 2 months; when I embarked on this journey I did not know that it would require a lot of me, all of me to get through this. There is a different me, that has emerged and it’s even shocking to me. It’s true what Rainer Maria Rilke says “The only journey is the one within" I have realized that when you want something to happen, it’s all in the mind, coupled with determination and will power. There is of course the Grace of God that avalanches us to carry on, because all by myself I cannot do it.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last 2 months that has slowed me down in my journey towards a better me, and healthier Tendai. However, I am quickly getting a grip, was slipping fast into a black hole that was sucking me deep into nothingness and isolation. I am back on the journey. Its tough kani, it’s not for the faint hearted at all. I was an eagle losing its feathers (shading), and it felt like that was the end of me, my wings were going and flying would be a thing of the past. I thought I would never fell the wind beneath my wings. But the beauty of nature is an eagle will grow back its wings and the eagle will fly again with stronger and very beautiful wings! Hanti zvinonzi, they that wait upon the Lord, shall find renewed strength; they shall mount up on high, with wings, like the eagle. They shall run run run and they shall not grow weary.

Food is delicious and is my biggest battle; it’s so comforting and filling and never lets you down. It hits nerves that no one else or anything can ever. But I realized this is all in the mind and it’s about self control. When I thought about the self control part, I was like hiii, Tendi get a grip. You are in control; you cannot be controlled by food! I mean who wants to be thought of as a person without self control, like seriously, who? One thing I have also realized in my lapse is weight is so easily gained; I gained back 4.5kgs in 2 months of the 7kgs I had lost and worked hard to lose in 4 months. Imagine how much time effort and determination, I need to put in now, to lose weight and get back on track. But I have the determination and I have eagle attitude saka the journey continues.

I have realized that when I was out of control emotionally, especially angry, anxious for something; I had used food as a drug, to keep me calm; now I have changed, I either take a skipping rope, or go for a walk/jog. I also have begun to speak affirmations to myself. Some I Google, others I have made myself and some from great books and authors. When I feel depressed I watch Anne Kansime or look for a good laugh (which is a great abdominal workout). I have realized that a great book, which gives me knowledge I didn’t previously have also gives me energy to carry on. Right now I am reading The Greatness Manual by Rabison Shumba (recommended book for everyone's library) it’s my sanity pill and oxygen tank right now.

Oh and then there is those people, who are following me just to see, me fail; well; news flash!!! The righteous fall 7 times and yet rise again. I may fall or derail but I will and have gotten back on my feet kani; I am a ruthless go getter. I will not stop until I cross the finishing line. Whenever I put my mind to something I do it, and I do it honestly, not to please anyone, but for myself; I have more people surrounding me to keep me going and helping me stay focused. I love the fact that I am running my race the best way I know how. It’s not an easy journey, used to be a journey less traveled, but a lot have since joined the narrow and rocky road. I will succeed and conquer. I have great friends, family, mentors, workmates and pastors, keeping me in check!

I will not lie, I have days when I retaliate to go to the gym, or even wake up in the morning to walk. I feel like ah, what’s the point? This is who I have become and I should embrace it. Then pandisingaende, I would now have idol time, what a waste, because I will be doing nothing. Yes, it is who I am at present, but that's not whom I am meant to be. I have had moments I feel so angry because I got myself here and that now it’s costing me money and time to get back to whom I should be. I have cried at night, praying that it will melt away, or wake up and I have no fat or big tummy. I have cried endlessly thinking if I cry hard enough I will lose weight.  Not to look sexy, nooo, but to live long enough to accomplish that which I was formed for; to live long enough to see my children's children; live long enough to enjoy life and see places I have not seen. If I am over weight I might die of obesity or diabetes.  

I have since realized that I have to go through this process because it’s not an event. I have a better relationship with myself and I am better able to receive criticism compared to when I wasn't on the wholeness journey. I was never comfortable to be by myself in a silent space because I did no want to face myself. Now I can be without fear of facing me. I had a meeting with my mentor about 2 months back and she reminded me of the things I had said I would do, that I was far from accomplishing what I had written down and spoken to her about. I then realized that greatness and accomplishment of goals regardless of which goal it is needs constant reminders. Mentors are great progress trackers for real.

I was feeling like I was going in circles, not sure anymore if I was coming or going, I felt like life was throwing at me lemons all the time and feeling stagnant. Workout is the only thing that brought me sanity and purpose, without forgetting the feel good hormones that are released after a workout and you feel like a million bucks. I sort God for myself, I started communicating with God more and reading my word, because I could face me, I could meditate on the word and have direct conversation with God. So my physical and spiritual were sorted, but I still wanted more; what was going on with my dreams and destiny? I decided to go back to finding out why I was abandoning my call to greatness, what has squeezed out my passion and will power to be great? One of them was I felt that I give and give and give and give, but not getting at all. Then I realized no one owes me anything!!

Warning: there are energy suckers in this world; people see your passion for life and energy that you become prey of these vampires. Because I was full of life and passionate about my journey, I found I had more suitors than before my wholeness journey. I soon realized they just wanted my energy and slow me down. I know because you are happier and more positive about life, you attract like people, but some are just time wasters and potential killers. I am wiser now. I have realized people are attracted to body yes, but they are drawn by personality mostly.

Ok, had gone off track, a lil; back to the working out. I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to regarding holding on to the journey of weight loss and the can of worms it brings; I am here. I will give you the best support possible; you might be shocked you will help me in return. When you are weak I am strong and when you are strong I am weak. The journey within is more complicated than the journey people are watching from the sidelines. So I urge you run your race the best way you know how, seek to be better than you were yesterday, not better than the person next to me.