Establishing discipline

.... so today was a very exciting day for me. I did my usual yoga and then i power walked for 800metres and i was sweating heish, and right there i felt like i was on the road to freedom. This was after a weekend filled with dancing and so much laughter (great exercise too)

As i was saying in the last blog........ yoga is a great place to start because my body really has not know any form of exercise and i mean any. So i did wake up, and boy did i know yoga was serious workout? i used to think and of course it does look like the positions are a piece of cake and there is no sweat involved.... lolest Kubhaiza! (you are kidding yourself). Yoga burns calories i tell you and it deals with body areas you did not even know you had. Of course the first few times you cant even do the positions and breath and meditate at the same time but hey, all things get better with time. Some positions i feel like i will kill myself because breathing will be hard... very hard!

Oh yes, comes the Christians rising eyebrows about yoga, i see you... some even go on to say the positions mean things and do Pilates, well, call it ignorance or lack of wisdom (am allowed as my blog says) but i totally play my Zamar CD and meditate on the word of God i would have read in the morning. that said, i have embraced yoga and it is working for me. i feel the waist and the joints improving. Yoga is a great and less stressing way to exercise and relax. But i am no authority on ho does and doesn't do yoga, i know i am on a journey i am travelling and God is at the centre.

I realized that i do not blow out as i used to, heish heish imi weee imi, even my family would tell you... i was a veld fire! But ikozvino am calmer and i think before i react (coz that's what i used to do - react). I really did have a short fuse, no one needs to tell me that, i know! Anything that made me feel "raped" violated or cornered caused me to go into full defense mode! it would be war for me, no retreat and no surrender! Tjo, no one wanted to be on my bad side, hiiii. But hey it was all this anger and undealt with issues that i had inside, slowly but surely i am untangling the drama. i am becoming a better more loving person, with loads of weigh coming off my shoulders.

Its been a week now since i started my journey and i feel more energetic and open minded.... in this week these are the measures i have taken:

I wake up at 5am and the first thing i do is chew on some garlic and drink lukewarm water 500ml with lemon slices before i do my yoga and exercising. i then drink 500mls more water after bathing. I have since realized we all don't take the same amounts of water... i am prescribed to take 4litres daily and at room temperature or look warm. Cold water is not good for the body because that is not even the temperature our body is either.

I have also reduced my plate size from a dinner plate to a plate slightly bigger than a side plate. The brain is an interesting organ that can be tricked. You know your mind and body get full when you finish your food in the plate? so regardless of the size of the plate when you are done, your brain registers FULL. At first it is hard to do, but as your tummy shrinks then you get comfortable and full. i also make sure i have my full 8 hours sleep too. Sleep is important because it gives your body time to digest and rest also bringing restoration and adjustment to the new life style.

What has been mostly interesting about my journey is that i have allowed God to be in control and i have a strong support system around me, Some have even joined me to wake up at 5am and call to make sure am up, others have started their own journeys, some have re-engaged self weight loss programs. i have also been rewarded by my friends with lil pleasure packs for remaining faithful to my decision. My exercise buddy Peace Mtize is amazing she is so diligent and encouraging.

Last night i got an offer that shook me to make my journey an inspirational journey to many and i am excited, something is brewing and i am excited! i kissed the Nike sneakers that Maureen Bandama bought me for my 29th, they are now so useful and faithful! i know, i know, two years later! However the journey continues and each day is hard but i see grace upon grace and love and abundance..... 

The next scary step......the scale

Its true what they say: a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. After blogging my heart out concerning the journey am embarking.  I received numerous calls and solidarity messages on my wall, my facebook inbox and mail box. I had so many messages I did not know people loved and cared for me that much. I was broken and yet felt some unusual warmth in my heart. I knew God was speaking to me through people.

Some even joined me in this journey and pludged to deal with their own issues. Especially for themselves.  I realised my life really is not my own. Ones courages propells others to take a stand and be confident in themselves. I sign of on my Gmail, believe in yourself and others will believe in you too.

Believe you can do it. Not just in weight loss. But that meeting they were avoiding, the education you postpone, the love you let go, the job you were meant to apply, that person you were meant to forgive...whatever the issue avoided: I have encouraged hundreds to deal/heal with their issues. Now that's being a vessel, God's vessel. Glory honour and power to him.

So I had to take another bold step.......the scale.

Coming face to face with the scale was going to be hectic, that I knew. I would be facing my reality head on. Gosh.. I kept postponing to get weighed. I knew this will be hard evidence of how much weight I was carrying around - literally and figuratively.  I mean who loves the scale? I hadn't been on one for 10years. I knew my dress size, hanti that's what's important? So ah, I didn't want to weigh myself.

So there I was, looking at the scale and freaking out. Nhai Mwari, do I have to do this? I knew I had to, because that is the only way I would track my weight loss, my healing and the process.  Besides I was to be calculated my weight height wat wat. Futi you can't just look in the mirror and see your body changing or shrinking, thats not dealing with issues. 

The scale! Empirical evidence. Vital! A real wake up call.

I got so angry, tears starting falling. I was burning with discomfort.  I didn't want to do it. No! Please. Why. It's just numbers. Ah. I experienced a breakdown I didn't anticipate. I was now craving comfort food, something salty actually. I was  overwhelmed. I was totally resisting to get weighed. My feet felt heavy, I couldn't lift them onto the scale. I was feeling crowded by the nurse who looked on to read the weight.  Right there she represented the world that would judge me harshly and shake their heads with disgust.

The pain was too much. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. Heish....it had to be done.

I told myself,  get a grip Tendi its the process - the dealing/healing process.  You have to see how heavy up you are too deal with the weight. The  parallel of the weight you caring in your heart, mind, soul and life.

The lady I had asked to help me looked confused.  She couldn't understand why just getting onto a scale would be so emotionally dramatic. Well I wiped my tears with my top, removed my shoes, closed my eyes and stepped onto the scale.

The nurse tapped me on the shoulder and told me there was no reading! Wtf! No reading! What do you mean? It gets upto 125kgs what do you mean there us no reading? Look again, I insisted now  claustrophobic,  pulputating and crying. Where was my mother? Why on eartg did I come for this weighing by myself? But you see somethings in life you should face along. Besides the honest truth of what I had done to myself was staring me in the face.

The nurse suggested I go to the one they used by butchers to weigh meat. Haaaa I cried, kuchema zvekuchema zviya zviya.. I was now in unweighable by normal scale they had to call in the big guns. ... for animals here veduwe? I sat on the follow thinking if i cry hard enough I will drown from my own tears.

I couldn't deal or bear. Anyway I gathered the whole of me. Called around, and found that animal scale. I went there quickly and was weighed quickly 133kgs heish thats overweight. I laughed when the man said to me; 'but you don't look it and you don't seen weighed down by your weight. You carry it well'. I smiled coz he made me feel better. I was a wrecking ball of anger hurt and guilt.

When I got home I cried myself to sleep. Woke up with swolken eyes at the sound of my alarm.Still depressed and It being the first day I was to exercise, I had my alarm set for 5am. And faithfully it went off at 5am. I silenced it quickly and went back to bed. i was thinking this is not possible. Am too much overweight and ah this is who i am. In my mind I was thinking.... if Peace doesn't wake me up to exercise well, thats it, you have given me a sign Lord that am fearky and wonderfully made. This is my category. In retrospect. ...really sokostina? Lolest.

Oh I know, you are all saints you dont have excuses for anything.  I do, especially this God give me a sign nonsense. Remember the devil is listening also, he can send counterfeit signs to slow you down.

She gently knocked at my door at 5:12am asking me whether my alarm was working. I grumply told her its working. She firmly instructed me to get dressed for exercise.

I wasn't sure what she had in store for me. I thought walking or jogging. She told me because I was unfit and overweight, we didn't want to hurt my ankles so yoga was the best place to start........... to be continued (blogged from my phone)

Finally embarking on the road i was avoiding for years

There is a lot of things i have avoided in my life, well i should say: avoided to DEAL/HEAL with. I have thought it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and remain in Denial that i was/am hurt, i am vulnerable and dejected. The16 Days of Activism this year have brought about a courage in me that i did not think was possible. Yes i am courageous, when i stand for women's rights, but for some absurd reason, i wasn't standing for Tendai's rights.

The right to be happy, the right to be free from anger, the right to love again, the right to feel good, the right to embrace my beauty, the right to freedom of speech and expression, the right to laugh, the right to live a life without regrets, the right of association and the right.........

I have been going through life with a weight on my back, literally, i do have serious back pain when i walk or stand for an extended time; which came about because i wanted to hide my beauty from men. I thought to my self, hey if i am big and full, no one will want me and i would be safe from the vultures. They would not hurt me again, use me and leave me  and beat me up or be seen sexy... a sex object. The men in my life had let me down to date and i was tired of dealing with this unusual and complicated species. So, i gained weight, my emotions were and still are entangled with food. When a angry i eat, happy-eat, sad- eat, stressed - eat. Unlike people who loose weight when stressed, i gain it. So musaone kufuta kudai muchiti i good living, pane zvinenge zvititondinetsa. For years i have had people say you need to loose weight, with holier than though tones. Because you cant tell everyone your story, i just say ok, i will.

I have even started weight loss programs myself and aborted them on the way, when i realized i was getting noticed by men, all the emotions flooded again and i felt abused and used again. Dealing with rape and violence is not an easy journey, and loosing weight meant each pound lost was a weight off my back and thus dealing with the issues that caused the weight gain again. Felt like knives through my heart...

So why am i sharing this? you might be saying so what?
Well, its for me mainly,  i think i am ready for self therapy and self healing that comes with embarking on the journey of weight loss. Facing the demons with not only The Word of God and prayer, but with practicality. I am not saying its going to be easy and drastic, but a painful journey with hills and valleys and all sorts of experiences, rivers to cross and oceans to swim. I know i will have all these emotions following in and out as i take this journey. i will blog when i can but i will try at least 3 times a week.

This weight loss is more a healing process for me;  i wasn't born skinny NO, nor was i born this way - lady gaga, but i know what i need to deal with so i can be a better person, first for self and then for all that surround me because they love me. Lol! of course there will be those with vile tongues that will crtitise and say all they want, but hey, its allowed, you are entitled to your opinions, but they are not facts, but shame, say all you want but its my journey and i am taking it because i want to.

One would ask have you not do this before, i have, but i couldn't deal with....

There is Jacky Nyabereka who has introduced me to skinny fibre, but more, she is willing to walk this journey with me to be my discipline barometer. Jacky, you are brave, because you know i have a strong mind of my own, and when the emotional pain attached to the weight is being shed off and its painful, i might be a bit difficult. When i wake up with Peace Mtize in the morning to walk and exercise, or when i don't feel like it, bare with me. when the tears and the hurt intensifies... all in the process of healing, pray for me.

Weight loss is a journey and not an event, do not be quick to shout your shallow opinions about who needs to loose weight to make yourself feel superior or secure, focus on healing self issues. You might have a perfect body great for you, but i have what i have let be heal and deal the best way i know how.

I know i know, you are rolling your eyes, its for you or about you, its my journey i am walking and courage am taking. I am scared, very afraid of the  can of worms this will open for me, am not even sure i am strong enough, or should i remain who i am because that's who you all know now, BUT you see, its not about making everyone happy but knowing who i am and whom am becoming and Mai Tawanda embracing life for her.

So here goes.............first step

As the Year comes to an end.....

I have since realised that the year is coming to an end. lol, i know, some might say, come on Tendi, you only realising it now?! well, yes, now, i was so busy being a bee, that 2012 went by so quickly and now i stand at the very end looking back what i have accomplished in this profound year, but thank God i reliased it before it was too late!!!!!!!

Pastor Tom declared this to be a year of Godly governance and peace, and as the year comes to an end... i reflect on whether this has been so. it seems there has been a lot of areas i have had to find governance and peace within and around me. I have been tested in my areas of passion, love, faith and career. This indeed needed Godly governance and peace. What ever that was declare over the year, look at 2012 what happened in it and how it was meant to turn out. if it is far off, then alarm bells should be sounding!!!!!

As the year comes to an end... what do you have to show for your success for 2012 and the breakthroughs that you encountered?

As the year comes to an end.... what lessons have you learnt that will propel you into greatness?

As the year comes to an end..... what relationships have you uprooted that did not edify you, what relationships did you establish and rekindle that will make 2013 a better year?

As the year come to an end ....... how has your relationship with God been, how can you make it more solid and intimate in 2013?

As the year comes to an end....... what ideas, visions and dreams have you accomplished, and that which you have not, how will you strategise better to accomplish in 2013?

I think gone are the days, a year comes to an end and it takes you by surprise and then you quickly write done resolutions or what ever you prefer to call them, without analysing 2012 and what happened.

I know it sounds too much, but if companies and big brands go to strategise for the next year, how come we do not take time out to strategise on the following year. Look at what happen this year, what you would have done better, and how best to tackle 2013.

lets not just sit buy and watch 2013 happen to us, lets happen to 2013, so come on, strategise for 2012, actually i dear you to send me your simple to fancy strat-plan for 2013 on how you will make it as you want it to be.

As  the year comes to an end........ end comes to the year!!!!!

Speak out>>>> at your own risk!

There is a series of events that have taken place in my life  for the past 2 weeks, which has made me realise that some people are not passionate about their work, or do not necessarily believe in the things they advocate for. That some do what they do not to make a change but for bread and butter issues. I do not blame them at all, however, life is a wheel, it goes round and round.

I remember when i was young my father used to sit me down and encourage me to speak out, and not be intimidated whenever i am wronged, violated or uncomfortable with what ever proceeding at hand. Then the day came, I spoke out when my body was sexually violated and the politics of my body became more complicated. A first cousin of mine, had sexually forced themself on me; little did i know, that what Dad had drilled into my head while i was growing up, was just the ideal, he never thought one day i would need to use this weapon he had given me. I was shut down, silenced and humilitated.

I told him the details, and he was very angry! Why on earth and from where did i get the guts to tell him? So angry that he made me feel as if it was my fault. He also did not want to know, i should have kept it to myself, taken it to the grave or told my mother. This shocked me because he had created the "safe" platform/space for me to vocalise all my issues; but when it can to me actually doing it, i was too forward and somethings are better not said! The power over was in play and i was shut down, because it would have caused instability within the family and they would have been division. I was the problem and i had to be weeded out by silence. Why shake the status quo when all is functioning, just work with what you have and handed to you, society says. People use money and power over to control people.

I have realised that even in churches and at work, i have been raped of my human and labour rights. Working for an organisation that is dealing with the plight for women and how they should be treated, and yet, you experience the very victimisation within your workplace or in the church. The fight is really not against Patriarchy alone, its against our very own women. Its OK when its somebody else but them.

There is a shona patriarchal proverb that says "kunyarara kuno kunda zvose" loosely translated, "silence is the best above all", is it really? should i be silent when i am raped, when i am abused, when i am violated, when i am victimised? how and what does it benefit me. Doesn't this not suffocated the very core of my being and leading to accumulation of anger and bitterness?

Now i understand why a lot of women, especially young women remain invisible, silent down trodden, it is because once they voice they concerns and issues, they a pounded into the ground and "pay" for their actions. Be it issues pertaining to Domestic violence, rape, abuse, work related abuse, education etc. I learnt at a feminist course this year that we are at war with the patriarchal system, but the system is more intertwined than what it seems?

Should i teach my daughter to speak out? because she risks being shut down and being discouraged! I have never been a person who is silent when i am violated, i have experienced a lot of it, and i refuse to be victimised. Others would say, well with that attitude you will not go places, really? So according to TendaiWenyasha's wisdom or lack of it........ Speak out but remember its at your own risk

first of a kind

The Chinese proverb – the faintest pencil is better than the sharpest memory is very true, I have had to remember things that happened 10 years ago because as they happened I did not write it down. Unbeknown to me, this is a significant piece of history that I have been sitting on. I am the first female to hold an executive position in the Student Council in March 2002 as a Secretary General at Africa University; I was in second year.

There I was, finally I had arrived at the most beautiful campus in Zimbabwe and was seated in the Main lecture theatre waiting for the SRC president to come and address the first years. I remember wondering why there was no woman in the executive, there only was one woman and she held the social welfare position, felt like something sour had just gotten into my mouth.

Being a very curious and extrovert of a first year, I wanted to know why ladies did not campaign for the higher offices, and I was told, it’s a lot of work and the guys never vote for the females. Also women being the majority of votes, did not vote for their own either, this made me realize we had a problem.

When the term of office for the present SRC was coming to an end, I was called into Mrs. (now DR) Gwaradzimba’s, she wanted me to run for an executive position and not campaign for the lowly positions. I remember requesting for the constitution because I wanted to know the responsibilities that came with the 3 top executive offices; President, Vice-President and the Secretary General. In March 2002 was when the elections were to be held.

I remember saying I don’t want people to vote for me because I am a woman, but because they believe I can make a positive and tangible change in the students body. I read the constitution and realized that the SG had significant powers and had more influence; I then decided to run for that office. Paul Munjenge, the out-going President volunteered to be my campaign manager, him being very popular, it worked to my advantage. I remember some of my fellow young women from the prior years, volunteering information that, AU since inception had never had a woman vying for such positions. The ladies gave me some history lessons, telling me that there were some who had tried before and had failed and I wasn’t any different or special and that I should exit the race before I was taken to the cleaners.

I was slightly shaken but I had already made u my mind, I wasn’t going to quit, throwing the towel was not an option for me because it was far greater than me. one thing I realized is women, we pull each other down I think it’s because we are afraid of challenging the status quo or we are jealous someone might actually succeed that which you are secretly wanting for yourself. My biggest challenge was to convince the women that I was worth their votes and I would make a different and not because I am a woman so therefore they should vote for me. I remember my posters were written such harsh words, some I cannot even write about, some wrote that you think you are the next Mai Mujuru, others called me a bull frog, others told me to join Mai Chisamba and leave politics for men; others wrote Margret Thatcher. It was so disheartening seeing your poster written such vulgar language, it was better and safer to not replace them because they became worse and more hurtful.

I remember walking to the library by myself and a group of guys approached to say if you want our votes, you have to buy alcohol for us, or we will make sure you lose this election. I said well then I will lose I will not buy votes because what else will you demand from me, and besides its instilling corruption. I remember on guy even proposing I slept with him to convince the guys to vote for me. My campaign manager advised me to stay put and focus on the female votes, because the females voted more than guys anyway. Now catch between a hard place and a rock, the women discouraging me and the guys wanting a bride, I just let it play, I did not want to owe anyone, or be controlled by those that thought put me into office after I had won.

I remember changing my strategy and seeking the foreign vote. Africa University has the Zimbabwe community and the other countries community, and they were also the next serious voters and at this point they were my best bet. The Zimbabwean vote was already split 5 ways because all SG candidates were Zimbabwean, but I had the advantage of being the only woman. I had spent my first year attending social function for the Angolans, Mozambicans and DRC communities, so I had a great allay. Unaware, I was already their favorite candidate and the ballot would speak for itself. It was believed that if you had the foreign vote, it was a definite win for you.

I remember the students paying attention to my campaign address on the chapel stairs at Africa University, however I had been warned people are likely to walk away during my speech, but to my surprise they wanted to hear what I had to say. When the voting came I won with a landslide, the next candidate was behind me by 300 votes. There were a total of 500 +/- that voted.

When the results were announced I felt like I was dreaming, it only sunk when I was being sworn into office.  This was a defining moment in the history of female student politics in Zimbabwe. However the ZUSA did not deliberately did not send me any invitations to the meetings, so in my term of office I never attended any ZUSA meetings because they deliberately omitted me from the mailing list. This also was fuelled with the fact the AU is not a state university so we were regarded as elitists and did not have the same problems as the rest of the universities.

During my term of office I sat on the senate and initiated the change of title for the bachelor in arts to bachelor of social sciences, the first group to graduate with the stated degree was the class of 2004, my year. Africa University also had its first food boycott, this was because the food prices were increasing and yet the quality and the quantity were deteriorating. I was pregnant actually the greater part of my time in office, but I did not let that get into the way of my passion and the students I was leading. In prior years when a student got pregnant they would be kicked out of residence, but I helped move a motion that they leave on the 8^th month two weeks before their delivery date, and this still stands to this day. In this regard, the male student would be asked to exit the residence as well.

This is also the only term that the student union funds made a profit, unlike in the history where corruption was the order of the day. The team, despite being the only woman, respected me and always valued my opinion. Despite the challenges and the dynamics of being the first, my term of office will forever be one of my most defining moments. I was the first and broke through the glass ceiling!!!!

writing your story is essential.

there are a lot of things that the Chinese have said and done that i don't agree with; however the proverb - the faintest pencil is better than the sharpest memory is true! History will be distorted because,  i for one do not have a culture of writing. Ntando my friend is an amazing writer, she doesn't tire at all, she will write and write, i admire that about her, among other things. I have realized that everyone has a story to tell, and no one can tell it for you unless you write it.

so now i have this article  have to write because its such a huge piece of history that i did not document. so i encourage all of us to write write and write!!!!!