The journey intensifies

Its true what the Bible says 'the footsteps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord' I am beyond in awe  if my God. In case you have been wondering how am holding up exercise wise.  Great. .I have been diligent waking up at 5 am to walk, skip rope and yoga.

Well even the days I really don't feel like it, Peace will not allow me to slack. She is on me like a tick on a dog. She will not even even have it. Not even. You can't even pay her kani. Hakuna munhu akadaro! I wake up and still go workout.

Well today I started at a gym. Yes gym. I was disciplined for 21days. That's how long it takes to establish a habit. So whether I like it or not my body will wake up at 5am everyday.  I even worked out on Christmas day and if course today.

The gym is at Marondera Country club. With my own trainer and good equipment. If I told you how much it will cost me per month you will be green with envy. Its $20 a month. And to top it all off. . Is walking distance from home. 

Gym was intense and the instructor had no mercy. So he first says 10 min on the bike and I thought it was a piece of cake. .lolest I was the piece of cake!  It was so painful I thought I was going to die... Yes die from workout!  But I was to determined I pulled through. Even did weights and stepping and  punching bag. Yah ndokushandira korona manje uku! ..go sokostina go! 

However what I have also realised is even emotionally am getting vulnerable, that hard shell is breaking. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. A serious mess. It's not easy at all. Then on Sunday someone says to me, I thought you are on some journey. . How come you gaining weight.  I was broken, yet the dress I was wearing on the day was giving me more room to manoeuvre and breath.  I felt dejected, my confidence plummeted to the rock bottom.

I thought really. .. wow beat me down why don't you. I then reminded myself that Rome war not built in a day and surely can't be destroyed in a day either. So if she couldn't see it going up it didn't mean the foundation war not being dug. I just told her an digging the foundation and is a deep foundation. What am building needs precision and am in no hurry to show the world. .... But like Rome, ONE day I will be a spectacular wonder to behold: I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I have also decided to be honest with myself and how I feel. When I can I also air or if an happy or when I feel taken for granted.  

Recently,over and above the above, I was hurt badly by a very very close friend so bad I thought my heart was going to break. I felt used and unworthy.  Boy did I want to eat. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel...I was like What's the point. I threw a pity party! Tears and all!  Even said very horrible things to myself. I was full throttle towards the fridge!

At that very moment I put on my workout regalia and went jogging at 5pm listening to music. I felt so good afterwards! 

Working out felt better and more relaxing and I did not entangle my emotions with food.  It gets harder and harder. .yet easier and easier everyday. Funny huh?

I am more determined than ever to work hard and a bring down the emotional walls of Jericho. I know I might have to go round 7 months or more. ..but they will come down.

So yes its getting really intense.. however tomorrow is day two at the gym.

P/s I haven't forgotten part 2 of debt and weight are so related.

weight and debt are sooo related....

I know, i know, stop screaming... chill! i didn't say you....OK my weight and debt are related. It doesn't mean skinny people are not in debt, i am just saying that when you are either over or under weight you find somethings to compensate your issues and debt begins to accumulate.
 Weight and debt are related because there is spending involved , no wait over spending when you want to make up for some void or vacuum in your heart. Somewhere in Proverbs from the Bible it says - para-phrased Lord don't give me too lil or i will hate and mock you, don't give me too much or i will forget you and be pompous, but give me enuf so i may praise you and love you

What happened with me is that i felt so inadequate, so lost and definitely not worthy. I looked for things that made me feel better, so if a guy gave me attention, be rest assured my phone bill would go up, i also like buying food, and going out to eat, because remember my emotions are no wait were attached to food. i know to date i have phone bills i have to settle from 2009 and thank god i have agreed on a payment scheme that will see me starting my payment plan this December, now that i have been finally paid.

It also happened that i always sold myself short in terms of the jobs i deserved, i settled for being somewhere and wanting to be needed, that i would think, people would value my work and pay me my worth. I remember in 2011 i agreed to a job that left me in minus after pay day, my expenses and the salary were not tallying. OK i know you would say live within you means, on $500 dollars a month, with a child in school, rent to pay, food to buy, hair to get done etc. This job still owes me money, but thats besides the point, my self esteem hit rock bottom and i started eating like it was going outof fashion, food was my fix, my next high, and like any addiction, the last high wont cut it, you have to go higher. Same with shopping, its an expensive perfume today, which you dont need cause you already have one, then you need something even more expensive to get an even more euphoric kick. Listen i love a great perfum, but one at a time right? well thats me.

One of my Mentors Faith Ntabeni-Bhebe, always is there to help me out of sticky financial situations. She wrote a book which i encourage everyone to read, regardless of being male or female. The name of the book is Financial Independence... Women's Ultimate Empowerment (you can find it on amazon.com) This book taught me to live within my means and stop keeping up with Harare girls. So i cut my hair took a tennis racket and and make it look funky and i added a bit of colour, total budget $4 every 2 months. I also moved back home to Marondera to a rent free ( well i do pay rates and electricity, gardener and maid when my Son is back from boarding school) accommodation. i made lil but significant changes in my life because i realised that debt was going to choke me.

I have noticed that we like to live outside our means so as to feel good, and this has caused us to be so in debt its sad, we buy clothes not for you, no, but because everyone has that in town, shoes, hair, wat wat. I know right now some might be saying oh i can afford it, can you? really? so why do you pay for a gym you never go to, just so you tell people, i go kupi kupi weee? So why not be disciplined to walk first before you even sink a lot of money kugym kwausingaende? Stop this feel good what what traits you have, its eating into your investment money.

Instead of buying expensive cake, buy cucumber and chew on it, you save less and you become healthier. Some people over spend and end up in debt because their marriage or relationship is falling apart and if you check, you did not communicate well, that debts accumulated in your relationships its causing majority of your problems. Stop over spending and save your relationship.

I know some might be saying this has nothing to do with me, but please check your habits and your spending.... is it not attached to you emotion imbalances, with your impulsive buying? I am just saying as i shed my weight off i want to shed debts off too. So be free from every weight possible. This way i will make tangible progress, and feel good all round. so check your debt and your weight (and noit just physical, emotional spiritual and mental weight). It like the more unstable you get, the more you keep wanting material things to keep you sane and "normal", well hun, its issues that need to be sorted and debt that needs to be cleared otherwise you will end up even more miserable with a negative bank balance.

Sit down and write all you owe, and then one by one call these people and commite to settle bit by bit, and why you at it, weigh and burdens will also be shaded bit by bit... i did that, i am doing that and its helping. Time time, your weight x 10 equals your debt range... just speculation kani, tjo!

To be continued......

Manna Monday: Releasing heart ache and pain gaining PEACE

My journey and Manna Monday can not be separated, so please bare with me.

As you may or may not have noticed, i am going through a journey of letting go all my hurts and pain which is synonymously attacked to my weight. so besides eating right and exercising, i am deliberately engaging people who have hurt me  or let me down in any way, actually seeking them out, sitting down and ironing out issues, so that the weight gets less and less.

The Bible does instrust us to cast our burdens unto Jesus, yes, great, but i know there is need for you an i to take part is our walk. For 10years, i had never spoke nicely to my ex - Tawanda's dad (my son) about anything, because of the hurt and let down, i was sooo angry and we never spoke nicely to each other. Because God is faithful and kind, it so happened he is in the country and i sort a meeting, boy was i scared, so scared i thought butterflies were breeding in my tummy. i even hit a low on saturday i wanted to eat my brains out, to be honest i slipped, i had 2 small packets of Simba chips. i still did not feel good, so i watched tv, that didnt help, until i decided to walk up and down, round and round the house.

Since my emotions and food were closely attached, i received loads of emotional encouragement from people, others did tell me to eat carrots or cucumber.... this is the thing, they do not help my feel good hormones, so i just walked, and of course spoke to friends and laughed, which helped. This was a very difficult place for me, because i felt lost and confused. I then resorted to reading Psalm 130 over and over again for strength and i also got a song that walked me through the pain easier.

I know you might be thinking get a grip girl... really! But hey we all have gwans and mine we hidden and carefully tucked into my curves and excess weight. So yes am cleaning my dirty linen in public so that no stain is left and i am a better person for myself.

Thank God i had prayed after my restlessness for the meeting, we ironed out some critical issues at height of peace, yes peace, (yes the peace of God that surpasses all understanding) there was not mean and venomous words exchanged. if you had seen us, you would think we were friends. I am not saying we are now bffs, but we are not civil to each other and have our son's best interest at heart. He did promise the world for his son, but we are at a way better place than we were for the past 10years. The anger was going to kill me. Imagine 10 years of a lot of emotions and hurt, of course some will not automatically disappear but it get better from here.

I have been faithfully exercising for the past 13days now. You know what? They say it takes 21days to establish a lasting habit and i only have a week to g! i feel happier lighter and more confident, yes, it might not yet be showing, but i am loving, the sweat, the tears and the pain am loosing. thank you to the family and friends that are on me like hawks, gosh.. this journey would have killed me from the very beginning without you. i have now moved from yoga only to walking/jogging and then yoga, soon, i will be jogging and stretching with yoga.

I would like to encourage you to go for xmas, peaceful and better appreciated by self and others. Please leave 2013 with all the anger and hurt. let go of all the grudges you are holding. I know its not an event, its a process. So walk out the process, one step at a time. I also know you might be able to see the person, call them, inbox, text do something! like i always say, this person might not even know you hurt them.keep calm and be at peace.

Establishing discipline

.... so today was a very exciting day for me. I did my usual yoga and then i power walked for 800metres and i was sweating heish, and right there i felt like i was on the road to freedom. This was after a weekend filled with dancing and so much laughter (great exercise too)

As i was saying in the last blog........ yoga is a great place to start because my body really has not know any form of exercise and i mean any. So i did wake up, and boy did i know yoga was serious workout? i used to think and of course it does look like the positions are a piece of cake and there is no sweat involved.... lolest Kubhaiza! (you are kidding yourself). Yoga burns calories i tell you and it deals with body areas you did not even know you had. Of course the first few times you cant even do the positions and breath and meditate at the same time but hey, all things get better with time. Some positions i feel like i will kill myself because breathing will be hard... very hard!

Oh yes, comes the Christians rising eyebrows about yoga, i see you... some even go on to say the positions mean things and do Pilates, well, call it ignorance or lack of wisdom (am allowed as my blog says) but i totally play my Zamar CD and meditate on the word of God i would have read in the morning. that said, i have embraced yoga and it is working for me. i feel the waist and the joints improving. Yoga is a great and less stressing way to exercise and relax. But i am no authority on ho does and doesn't do yoga, i know i am on a journey i am travelling and God is at the centre.

I realized that i do not blow out as i used to, heish heish imi weee imi, even my family would tell you... i was a veld fire! But ikozvino am calmer and i think before i react (coz that's what i used to do - react). I really did have a short fuse, no one needs to tell me that, i know! Anything that made me feel "raped" violated or cornered caused me to go into full defense mode! it would be war for me, no retreat and no surrender! Tjo, no one wanted to be on my bad side, hiiii. But hey it was all this anger and undealt with issues that i had inside, slowly but surely i am untangling the drama. i am becoming a better more loving person, with loads of weigh coming off my shoulders.

Its been a week now since i started my journey and i feel more energetic and open minded.... in this week these are the measures i have taken:

I wake up at 5am and the first thing i do is chew on some garlic and drink lukewarm water 500ml with lemon slices before i do my yoga and exercising. i then drink 500mls more water after bathing. I have since realized we all don't take the same amounts of water... i am prescribed to take 4litres daily and at room temperature or look warm. Cold water is not good for the body because that is not even the temperature our body is either.

I have also reduced my plate size from a dinner plate to a plate slightly bigger than a side plate. The brain is an interesting organ that can be tricked. You know your mind and body get full when you finish your food in the plate? so regardless of the size of the plate when you are done, your brain registers FULL. At first it is hard to do, but as your tummy shrinks then you get comfortable and full. i also make sure i have my full 8 hours sleep too. Sleep is important because it gives your body time to digest and rest also bringing restoration and adjustment to the new life style.

What has been mostly interesting about my journey is that i have allowed God to be in control and i have a strong support system around me, Some have even joined me to wake up at 5am and call to make sure am up, others have started their own journeys, some have re-engaged self weight loss programs. i have also been rewarded by my friends with lil pleasure packs for remaining faithful to my decision. My exercise buddy Peace Mtize is amazing she is so diligent and encouraging.

Last night i got an offer that shook me to make my journey an inspirational journey to many and i am excited, something is brewing and i am excited! i kissed the Nike sneakers that Maureen Bandama bought me for my 29th, they are now so useful and faithful! i know, i know, two years later! However the journey continues and each day is hard but i see grace upon grace and love and abundance..... 

The next scary step......the scale

Its true what they say: a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. After blogging my heart out concerning the journey am embarking.  I received numerous calls and solidarity messages on my wall, my facebook inbox and mail box. I had so many messages I did not know people loved and cared for me that much. I was broken and yet felt some unusual warmth in my heart. I knew God was speaking to me through people.

Some even joined me in this journey and pludged to deal with their own issues. Especially for themselves.  I realised my life really is not my own. Ones courages propells others to take a stand and be confident in themselves. I sign of on my Gmail, believe in yourself and others will believe in you too.

Believe you can do it. Not just in weight loss. But that meeting they were avoiding, the education you postpone, the love you let go, the job you were meant to apply, that person you were meant to forgive...whatever the issue avoided: I have encouraged hundreds to deal/heal with their issues. Now that's being a vessel, God's vessel. Glory honour and power to him.

So I had to take another bold step.......the scale.

Coming face to face with the scale was going to be hectic, that I knew. I would be facing my reality head on. Gosh.. I kept postponing to get weighed. I knew this will be hard evidence of how much weight I was carrying around - literally and figuratively.  I mean who loves the scale? I hadn't been on one for 10years. I knew my dress size, hanti that's what's important? So ah, I didn't want to weigh myself.

So there I was, looking at the scale and freaking out. Nhai Mwari, do I have to do this? I knew I had to, because that is the only way I would track my weight loss, my healing and the process.  Besides I was to be calculated my weight height wat wat. Futi you can't just look in the mirror and see your body changing or shrinking, thats not dealing with issues. 

The scale! Empirical evidence. Vital! A real wake up call.

I got so angry, tears starting falling. I was burning with discomfort.  I didn't want to do it. No! Please. Why. It's just numbers. Ah. I experienced a breakdown I didn't anticipate. I was now craving comfort food, something salty actually. I was  overwhelmed. I was totally resisting to get weighed. My feet felt heavy, I couldn't lift them onto the scale. I was feeling crowded by the nurse who looked on to read the weight.  Right there she represented the world that would judge me harshly and shake their heads with disgust.

The pain was too much. I wanted to run, but I couldn't. Heish....it had to be done.

I told myself,  get a grip Tendi its the process - the dealing/healing process.  You have to see how heavy up you are too deal with the weight. The  parallel of the weight you caring in your heart, mind, soul and life.

The lady I had asked to help me looked confused.  She couldn't understand why just getting onto a scale would be so emotionally dramatic. Well I wiped my tears with my top, removed my shoes, closed my eyes and stepped onto the scale.

The nurse tapped me on the shoulder and told me there was no reading! Wtf! No reading! What do you mean? It gets upto 125kgs what do you mean there us no reading? Look again, I insisted now  claustrophobic,  pulputating and crying. Where was my mother? Why on eartg did I come for this weighing by myself? But you see somethings in life you should face along. Besides the honest truth of what I had done to myself was staring me in the face.

The nurse suggested I go to the one they used by butchers to weigh meat. Haaaa I cried, kuchema zvekuchema zviya zviya.. I was now in unweighable by normal scale they had to call in the big guns. ... for animals here veduwe? I sat on the follow thinking if i cry hard enough I will drown from my own tears.

I couldn't deal or bear. Anyway I gathered the whole of me. Called around, and found that animal scale. I went there quickly and was weighed quickly 133kgs heish thats overweight. I laughed when the man said to me; 'but you don't look it and you don't seen weighed down by your weight. You carry it well'. I smiled coz he made me feel better. I was a wrecking ball of anger hurt and guilt.

When I got home I cried myself to sleep. Woke up with swolken eyes at the sound of my alarm.Still depressed and It being the first day I was to exercise, I had my alarm set for 5am. And faithfully it went off at 5am. I silenced it quickly and went back to bed. i was thinking this is not possible. Am too much overweight and ah this is who i am. In my mind I was thinking.... if Peace doesn't wake me up to exercise well, thats it, you have given me a sign Lord that am fearky and wonderfully made. This is my category. In retrospect. ...really sokostina? Lolest.

Oh I know, you are all saints you dont have excuses for anything.  I do, especially this God give me a sign nonsense. Remember the devil is listening also, he can send counterfeit signs to slow you down.

She gently knocked at my door at 5:12am asking me whether my alarm was working. I grumply told her its working. She firmly instructed me to get dressed for exercise.

I wasn't sure what she had in store for me. I thought walking or jogging. She told me because I was unfit and overweight, we didn't want to hurt my ankles so yoga was the best place to start........... to be continued (blogged from my phone)

Finally embarking on the road i was avoiding for years

There is a lot of things i have avoided in my life, well i should say: avoided to DEAL/HEAL with. I have thought it is better to let sleeping dogs lie and remain in Denial that i was/am hurt, i am vulnerable and dejected. The16 Days of Activism this year have brought about a courage in me that i did not think was possible. Yes i am courageous, when i stand for women's rights, but for some absurd reason, i wasn't standing for Tendai's rights.

The right to be happy, the right to be free from anger, the right to love again, the right to feel good, the right to embrace my beauty, the right to freedom of speech and expression, the right to laugh, the right to live a life without regrets, the right of association and the right.........

I have been going through life with a weight on my back, literally, i do have serious back pain when i walk or stand for an extended time; which came about because i wanted to hide my beauty from men. I thought to my self, hey if i am big and full, no one will want me and i would be safe from the vultures. They would not hurt me again, use me and leave me  and beat me up or be seen sexy... a sex object. The men in my life had let me down to date and i was tired of dealing with this unusual and complicated species. So, i gained weight, my emotions were and still are entangled with food. When a angry i eat, happy-eat, sad- eat, stressed - eat. Unlike people who loose weight when stressed, i gain it. So musaone kufuta kudai muchiti i good living, pane zvinenge zvititondinetsa. For years i have had people say you need to loose weight, with holier than though tones. Because you cant tell everyone your story, i just say ok, i will.

I have even started weight loss programs myself and aborted them on the way, when i realized i was getting noticed by men, all the emotions flooded again and i felt abused and used again. Dealing with rape and violence is not an easy journey, and loosing weight meant each pound lost was a weight off my back and thus dealing with the issues that caused the weight gain again. Felt like knives through my heart...

So why am i sharing this? you might be saying so what?
Well, its for me mainly,  i think i am ready for self therapy and self healing that comes with embarking on the journey of weight loss. Facing the demons with not only The Word of God and prayer, but with practicality. I am not saying its going to be easy and drastic, but a painful journey with hills and valleys and all sorts of experiences, rivers to cross and oceans to swim. I know i will have all these emotions following in and out as i take this journey. i will blog when i can but i will try at least 3 times a week.

This weight loss is more a healing process for me;  i wasn't born skinny NO, nor was i born this way - lady gaga, but i know what i need to deal with so i can be a better person, first for self and then for all that surround me because they love me. Lol! of course there will be those with vile tongues that will crtitise and say all they want, but hey, its allowed, you are entitled to your opinions, but they are not facts, but shame, say all you want but its my journey and i am taking it because i want to.

One would ask have you not do this before, i have, but i couldn't deal with....

There is Jacky Nyabereka who has introduced me to skinny fibre, but more, she is willing to walk this journey with me to be my discipline barometer. Jacky, you are brave, because you know i have a strong mind of my own, and when the emotional pain attached to the weight is being shed off and its painful, i might be a bit difficult. When i wake up with Peace Mtize in the morning to walk and exercise, or when i don't feel like it, bare with me. when the tears and the hurt intensifies... all in the process of healing, pray for me.

Weight loss is a journey and not an event, do not be quick to shout your shallow opinions about who needs to loose weight to make yourself feel superior or secure, focus on healing self issues. You might have a perfect body great for you, but i have what i have let be heal and deal the best way i know how.

I know i know, you are rolling your eyes, its for you or about you, its my journey i am walking and courage am taking. I am scared, very afraid of the  can of worms this will open for me, am not even sure i am strong enough, or should i remain who i am because that's who you all know now, BUT you see, its not about making everyone happy but knowing who i am and whom am becoming and Mai Tawanda embracing life for her.

So here goes.............first step