“The only journey is the one within.” Rainer Maria Rilke

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” 
― Ernest Hemingway

I have had an interesting 2 months; when I embarked on this journey I did not know that it would require a lot of me, all of me to get through this. There is a different me, that has emerged and it’s even shocking to me. It’s true what Rainer Maria Rilke says “The only journey is the one within" I have realized that when you want something to happen, it’s all in the mind, coupled with determination and will power. There is of course the Grace of God that avalanches us to carry on, because all by myself I cannot do it.

I have made terrible mistakes in the last 2 months that has slowed me down in my journey towards a better me, and healthier Tendai. However, I am quickly getting a grip, was slipping fast into a black hole that was sucking me deep into nothingness and isolation. I am back on the journey. Its tough kani, it’s not for the faint hearted at all. I was an eagle losing its feathers (shading), and it felt like that was the end of me, my wings were going and flying would be a thing of the past. I thought I would never fell the wind beneath my wings. But the beauty of nature is an eagle will grow back its wings and the eagle will fly again with stronger and very beautiful wings! Hanti zvinonzi, they that wait upon the Lord, shall find renewed strength; they shall mount up on high, with wings, like the eagle. They shall run run run and they shall not grow weary.

Food is delicious and is my biggest battle; it’s so comforting and filling and never lets you down. It hits nerves that no one else or anything can ever. But I realized this is all in the mind and it’s about self control. When I thought about the self control part, I was like hiii, Tendi get a grip. You are in control; you cannot be controlled by food! I mean who wants to be thought of as a person without self control, like seriously, who? One thing I have also realized in my lapse is weight is so easily gained; I gained back 4.5kgs in 2 months of the 7kgs I had lost and worked hard to lose in 4 months. Imagine how much time effort and determination, I need to put in now, to lose weight and get back on track. But I have the determination and I have eagle attitude saka the journey continues.

I have realized that when I was out of control emotionally, especially angry, anxious for something; I had used food as a drug, to keep me calm; now I have changed, I either take a skipping rope, or go for a walk/jog. I also have begun to speak affirmations to myself. Some I Google, others I have made myself and some from great books and authors. When I feel depressed I watch Anne Kansime or look for a good laugh (which is a great abdominal workout). I have realized that a great book, which gives me knowledge I didn’t previously have also gives me energy to carry on. Right now I am reading The Greatness Manual by Rabison Shumba (recommended book for everyone's library) it’s my sanity pill and oxygen tank right now.

Oh and then there is those people, who are following me just to see, me fail; well; news flash!!! The righteous fall 7 times and yet rise again. I may fall or derail but I will and have gotten back on my feet kani; I am a ruthless go getter. I will not stop until I cross the finishing line. Whenever I put my mind to something I do it, and I do it honestly, not to please anyone, but for myself; I have more people surrounding me to keep me going and helping me stay focused. I love the fact that I am running my race the best way I know how. It’s not an easy journey, used to be a journey less traveled, but a lot have since joined the narrow and rocky road. I will succeed and conquer. I have great friends, family, mentors, workmates and pastors, keeping me in check!

I will not lie, I have days when I retaliate to go to the gym, or even wake up in the morning to walk. I feel like ah, what’s the point? This is who I have become and I should embrace it. Then pandisingaende, I would now have idol time, what a waste, because I will be doing nothing. Yes, it is who I am at present, but that's not whom I am meant to be. I have had moments I feel so angry because I got myself here and that now it’s costing me money and time to get back to whom I should be. I have cried at night, praying that it will melt away, or wake up and I have no fat or big tummy. I have cried endlessly thinking if I cry hard enough I will lose weight.  Not to look sexy, nooo, but to live long enough to accomplish that which I was formed for; to live long enough to see my children's children; live long enough to enjoy life and see places I have not seen. If I am over weight I might die of obesity or diabetes.  

I have since realized that I have to go through this process because it’s not an event. I have a better relationship with myself and I am better able to receive criticism compared to when I wasn't on the wholeness journey. I was never comfortable to be by myself in a silent space because I did no want to face myself. Now I can be without fear of facing me. I had a meeting with my mentor about 2 months back and she reminded me of the things I had said I would do, that I was far from accomplishing what I had written down and spoken to her about. I then realized that greatness and accomplishment of goals regardless of which goal it is needs constant reminders. Mentors are great progress trackers for real.

I was feeling like I was going in circles, not sure anymore if I was coming or going, I felt like life was throwing at me lemons all the time and feeling stagnant. Workout is the only thing that brought me sanity and purpose, without forgetting the feel good hormones that are released after a workout and you feel like a million bucks. I sort God for myself, I started communicating with God more and reading my word, because I could face me, I could meditate on the word and have direct conversation with God. So my physical and spiritual were sorted, but I still wanted more; what was going on with my dreams and destiny? I decided to go back to finding out why I was abandoning my call to greatness, what has squeezed out my passion and will power to be great? One of them was I felt that I give and give and give and give, but not getting at all. Then I realized no one owes me anything!!

Warning: there are energy suckers in this world; people see your passion for life and energy that you become prey of these vampires. Because I was full of life and passionate about my journey, I found I had more suitors than before my wholeness journey. I soon realized they just wanted my energy and slow me down. I know because you are happier and more positive about life, you attract like people, but some are just time wasters and potential killers. I am wiser now. I have realized people are attracted to body yes, but they are drawn by personality mostly.

Ok, had gone off track, a lil; back to the working out. I want you to know that if you need someone to talk to regarding holding on to the journey of weight loss and the can of worms it brings; I am here. I will give you the best support possible; you might be shocked you will help me in return. When you are weak I am strong and when you are strong I am weak. The journey within is more complicated than the journey people are watching from the sidelines. So I urge you run your race the best way you know how, seek to be better than you were yesterday, not better than the person next to me.

The randomness

Well it been an interesting two weeks, i have not blogged and well i have not written much on my journey. This is because there are unexpected curve balls that are being pitched in my direction. This weekend last i did not even exercise, i feel like i am having an out of body experience. Like this Body is not mine. i feel like i have slacked and lost direction. I did not have strength kani, not even one to go to the gym, but manje i am functioning low. i have since realized that when you establish a habit, you no longer own it for yourself and its hard to not do that which you have established. i did exercise this last week, i have started to run longer distances and endure fast heart beats.

i have also learnt that i love hard and i have a sense of naivety, that when i love, that person or people will love me the same in turn...... well lol aunty other people have lives and they are living them. Or somehow those we love intensely don't love us, and the ones we do not love, love us. its all twisted. All i know is to love with my all, because i never want to think what if. This love is for my family, my job, my friend, my church, my people, well, whether you appreciate it or not, if you know me very well and not just assume nonsense about me, i am a very loving person. Not that i am trying to get anyone to love me.

Well i have a lot of s^%t going; and me being me, i was saying i will not think about it and it will go away. Never do that, push things at the back burner, because when they want to come out and lay ka.... hahahaha. they come out at mutated demons i tell you. My phone died yesterday, now some of you would say really Tendai phone here? ehe!! phone! in all my years i had never bought anything for me, to spoil myself. you may not understand this and well frankly i don't care if you don't, because i understand it.

This phone was my- for me gift. The one thing that you selfishly do for you and not even care how much it costs. yep! and a huge part of m fell apart yesterday because i was feeling like so is God sending a message or, is life telling me i don't deserve to be spoilt or happy. I know sounds sad -outside looking in. But yep i have done things for everyone kani, everyone that i love and care about. I have schooled people, looked after people, married off people, loved people, i have have have, saka the phone was my ME having done something for ME! told you this was randomness.

Anyway, i am hurt, so hurt that i don't even know.... yah i do not know!
Thank you for being there for me, those who didn't care my request to be left alone. Sis Wadzi had to call from SA and said i should ask myself these 3 questions everyday for 21 days... gosh its like going to the gym i tell you.

Who of what inspired me today?
Who bought me happiness today?
What bought me comfort and deep peace today?

I will en-devour to comply and do as told.. hanti big sister has spoken here?

Then i had requested a none bible bashing but i was sent a very soothing scripture by Pastor Batsi my brother.

God is truly good to Israel, to those who have pure hearts. But I had almost stopped believing; I had almost lost my faith because I was jealous of proud people. I saw wicked people doing well. They are not suffering; they are healthy and strong. They don’t have troubles like the rest of us; they don’t have problems like other people. They wear pride like a necklace and put on violence as their clothing. They are looking for profits and do not control their selfish desires. They make fun of others and speak evil; proudly they speak of hurting others. They brag to the sky. They say that they own the earth. So their people turn to them and give them whatever they want. They say, “How can God know? What does God Most High know?” These people are wicked, always at ease, and getting richer. So why have I kept my heart pure? Why have I kept my hands from doing wrong? I have suffered all day long; I have been punished every morning. God, if I had decided to talk like this, I would have let your people down. I tried to understand all this, but it was too hard for me to see until I went to the Temple of God. Then I understood what will happen to them. You have put them in danger; you cause them to be destroyed. They are destroyed in a moment; they are swept away by terrors. It will be like waking from a dream. Lord, when you rise up, they will disappear. When my heart was sad and I was angry, I was senseless and stupid. I acted like an animal toward you. But I am always with you; you have held my hand. You guide me with your advice, and later you will receive me in honor. I have no one in heaven but you; I want nothing on earth besides you. My body and my mind may become weak, but God is my strength. He is mine forever. Those who are far from God will die; you destroy those who are unfaithful. But I am close to God, and that is good. The Lord G od is my protection. I will tell all that you have done. (Psalms 73:1-28 NCV)

Anyway i was being random. So yes i am still working out, yes i am still eating right and yes i am still drinking water, yes I AM! Allow me to believe and myself so you can believe in me too!

My first tears of progress; pursuing freedom....

I know this post is likely to be very emotional for me, because i went through so much self imposed drama and emotional roller coaster yesterday at the Gym. Of late i have been saying no pain; no gain, heee what what and i enjoyed gym, lolest! yesterday hadn't happened!

as always i look forward to going to the gym because its my place of comfort and i feel great because i will be taking control of my body. From Sunday I even started going to the gym wearing a full fleece tracksuit to increase heat so that i sweat from the heat and from the workout. With full determination to achieve my desired results, i look forward to going to the gym after work!

I have been hurt, oh gosh! so many time by people that i loved, trusted and opened my life for. some close friends, family and others i dated or otherwise. In this regard, I had vowed 2 never to cry coz of especially a man! I even sang and had on repeat, Mary J Blige's am not gonna cry! well it was all good in the hood; Until Farai my gym instructor happened to me last night!!! I literally cried & begged for mercy.  it all started off very well and enjoying my session, when he just said your body is too used to the same routine, we want to shock it today, it didnt register that i was going to have an intensier workout.

Toward the end of an intense 1hour 45mins workout, my body couldn't take it anymore my legs were hurting and shaking, my temperature was high and i couldn't breath properly, i screamed for mercy doing my second set of sit-ups, Fari would hear of it. i did finish the set and came off the sit-up bunch to give way to my paired partner. i crawled off the bunch and rested my head on the treadmill trying to catch my breath, and tears starting flowing.

i hated myself for letting go like that, i was crying from pain and disappointment. Thinking to myself if i deserved all this pain because i had brought this upon myself. i felt unattractive, useless and dejected. I felt right there and then to give up and never come back to the gym! i had had enough pain for the day, my body was indeed shocked and caving in on me! i was emotionally overwhelmed, tears sweat and more sweat, o couldn't control myself.... finally i had cried at the gym! i weighed my pain vs my benefits and realized i will keep coming back for more... felt like a pain junky!

You see working out needs endurance and long-suffering, one has got to be have a no-matter-what attitude... i will see this through! I have learnt that life will through at you curve balls and you have to learn the art of hitting them and making sure its a home-run while you are at it. I want to encourage each and everyone of you to embrace those that are going through this journey of weight loss and sorting out their lives; its not an easy journey at all, give them a call or sms or just encourage when you see them. God is the ultimate encourager but He uses man to do the work for HIM.

FYI: I am going back to the GYM tonight.......

I also realized i need to make extra income so that i have disposable income to make sure my journey easier. In this regard, my friend Tariro and my sister Lucy will be throwing Weigh In Parties;

We want to create an opportunity for you to Weigh In every second month to track your progress. We therefore have put together a dynamic team of experts who will assist in making the journey a whole lot easier for you. There will be an after party so we dance the weight away!!! There is also an opportunity to buy table selling space for weight loss, dieting and exercising products only! Limited tables available. For more information RSVP to Tariro Tandi 0772211437 and Tendai Wenyasha Garwe 0772888596. Book early to avoid disappointment. Can be bought via ecocash $10

I have officially become http://tendaiwenyasha.sbcnewresolution.com  Skinny fibre distributor, i am using the product and i can recommend for you to use it too. Contact me to either buy your own bottle or to join the company as a distributor!

Sokostina amplified!!

Oh gosh, ZESA ka, I had written 4 paragraphs and magetsi just went. How I have to start all over again; I wonder why my machine doesn’t auto save? Nxaa, now my blog will mutate into something else!

Anyway, let’s move to the meat of the blog…. Oh my!! meat, did I just say meat.? So we finished our Daniel’s fast as a church yesterday and I don’t even feel like meat. I am in no hurry to dive into a t-bone steak later alone a huge fillet steak or chicken breast.  I will take it slow, otherwise my system will go into shock and I will fall ill or have serious stomach cramps. I would like to advise fellow brethren to take it easy and reintroduce meat bit by bit. In this regard, may we please not abandon the vegetables completely.

Anyway, back to the journey I am travelling; it is becoming more and more satisfying. I have come to a point where I know, God is so God and He hears our prayers. He neither sleeps nor slumbers. Haarare Mwari uyu. In the last 21 days I have gotten so close to God more than I ever had been in 2013, I was dreaming dreams and seeing visions, like literarily!! The year of revelation and declaration has become so tangible for me that I enjoy my morning devotions kumba kwedu naPeace. God is soo good to us and we now have the discipline to read the word. We read the word at 430am and we share lessons from the Bible using the Celebration Church Darling Bible reading card. God reveals too us things and we make declarations and decree things. Then we pray before going out to walk/jog.

One of my friends who follow me on twitter said to me, “Tendai kasi you stopped posting days ekuenda kugym, asi you no longer working out?’ I am working out so much because I do not want to miss a day. I was posting everyday because I was establishing a habit and I need to be accountable. Right now I am on day 29 and loving it so very much. After the devotion, between 515am and 530am we go out for a brisk walk/jog for 30mins to 45mins. My hood in Marondera is blessed with up hills and down hills and all sorts of terrain; great exercising.  When you change routes to jog, your body and mind will not get bored, because there is a change in scenario, well it works for me. After work, I then go to the gym and do an intense 1 hour or 1 hour 30mins.

You know I have since learnt that the gym is my tension and stress out let. You should hear me screaming in the gym….tjo, it reminds me of child birth. What is your outlet? I used to take it out on food veduwe, just anger I ate, stress, I ate, papi ko, ndaingondoyera chikafu mukanwa (eating without a breather) ndonye ndonye, hakuna munhu akadaro kani! Now! When something ticks me off, I just close my eyes and visualize the gym, or running in the morning with all that fresh air, life’s good. I also realized with the 4 liters I drink a day, I do not have hunger pangs. I used to confuse thirst with hunger and eat when thirst and when hungry, thus more weight gained!

I have realized that I am happier and more loving and giving. In turn I am receiving a lot of love and attentions from people as well, even those that I am not expecting.  I am now taking better care of myself you know!I have realized that zveshuwa what you give is what you get. I am giving love, joy, truth (heish kani learn to give truth, lying is so much work, you have to remember the sequence of your last lie), happiness, compliments, smiles, hugs, clothes, time, I am just giving. Giving is not just about money, its about a lot of other things. Take for example Valentine’s Day is coming; I know, I know, you already thinking heeee, I don’t believe in pagan what what traditions, kupi… tibvirei apo! Valentines is a great time to show your loved ones, not just Eros love but Agape love, that you love and appreciate them. I am looking forward to some chocolate and sunflowers, *sigh* am such a girl… kikikiki

I am told I look younger even and my skin is smoother., my eyes are brighter and my laughter is louder! I know, to you  I might not have visibly lost weight to people, but a lot about me is getting lighter and lighter each day! No! I haven’t weighed myself. Why not? Well because the journey is not just about the scale and I, it’s about all aspects of the baggage I used to carry. So at the end of March I will be doing a full wheel of life analysis of my life including weighing. I do not do New Year’s resolutions, I usually settle for action plans, which are aligned to my personal strategic plan for 5years (what do you want to see in 5 years…. Good opportunity to do a personal strategic plan).

So since I am not weighing myself, I am looking at my clothes to see the progress. The other day veduwee, I screamed my lungs out when I fit into size 22 jeans (I know its double your size! So?) I thought my heart would pop out from beating so fast. Like seriously from size 26 here to 22? I rocked those jeans as if hameno! I had bought these jeans 2 years ago and couldn’t get in, not even pass my tighs, and forget about the tummy! Lolest! But hey, am in the jeans. Did you know you start loosing inching off your body before the weight goes? Well its happening to me. To top it of one of my BFFs Maureen, bought me a beautiful dress from USA and its Size 22, I can’t fit it yet because of the design and my tummy still needs some work, but give me two weeks tops and I will get a picture taken in it! Every girl (especially) if you are on weight loss program, need a goal dress! The one you try on each week to see if you fit and also just feeling and visualizing how great you will look in it!

The journey continues……….

.......you have been updated!!

Its an exciting day for me, its back in the office! like the young children going into form 1 and grade 1 and pre-school, i feel today is the dawning of a new day for me at The Women's Trust.With the energy and positivity i have i know 2014 will be my best year yet. i choose to have a great time and to love my work the same way i love myself.

I have since realised that life has curve balls veduwee. when you least expect it you are walking down a different road and there are changes that need management. As i had highlighted in my last blog, i have since started serving in the church choir and i am fully back serving in the church council and making my way back to the young adults ministry. I have been reading my bible and praying and sticking to my Daniels fast ( this was an accountability paragraph as a follow up from my last blog.. in case you were wondering) 

Anyway so i am still going to the gym and i have 1 more day before i establish the habit to exercise. i know a lot of people have need insisting i rest and take a day off; i will after 21 days, Sunday will be my rest day, meaning i will exercise 6 days and rest on the 7th day. And nooooo!!! I will not be weighing myself until end of March, its because i do not want to discourage myself when i just see little weight lost. Even my inches, i know the from last year i will measure them when i need a dress done, and its not anytime soon either.

Heish nezuro i really wanted to run away from the gym, it was painful and i thought i was going to die, i wanted to cry even. One would think it gets easier, but the fitter you get the more your trainer intensifies your workout. The good thing and my trainer and i have a good working system and great communication. the other day i was lifting weights and they were light, i even asked for extra pounds and he was very much impressed! i have gotten to the point where even when he is not looking i do not miscount or cheat, because i will be cheating myself. He doesn't push me that much anymore because i take the initiative myself to work hard and earn it! No Pain! No Gain! My son even came with me to the gym, after seeing and trying the intense work out, he said "mum i am very proud of you". It was a priceless teary moment for me.

My relationship with my son has since improved, for some reason i am more patient and tolerant. i listen more and think through before answering. Gym has taught me great discipline and endurance.  Right now, i feel weird as if something is missing because i did not go to the gym this morning, but i remind myself that gym is now at night. i have also started walking more instead of catching a ride or an ET

However there has been a slight change in training program, instead of working out at the gym in the morning, i will be jogging in the morning and workout after work at the gym. i do feel more alive and my back does not hurt at all. i would never walk for 50meters without complaining about back pain. even standing for more than 2 minutes, it would be hell. i wouldn't be able to breath either, i would feel like air was running out and needed to seat down. But today this morning, i ran for 800m none stop without pain or shortness of breath, now God is good ooooo.

Its true that when you are working out you have energy and your brain is very active and there are great ideas in my head left right and centre. i feel good! so good! i feel like the world is my playground!

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT......... YOU HAVE BEEN UPDATED!!!!

 

Nyama noMweya (the flesh & the Spirit)

Its been 9 days at the gym and day 2 for my daniel's fast (basically am strict vegetarian for the next 21 days) with loads of prayer of course. I begin my journey toward spiritual strengthening and recovery. Heish yah... zvinoda vakashinga moyo.

2013 was a really dry spiritual year for me. Gosh did I pick up offence or what? So much that I even stopped serving..like completely. I know, its always preached offense is taken heeee heee what what, but I promise you there are professional offense givers.  No, make that offense dagger throwers.  They take pride in being offense tape measures and then preaching you on the pulpit nxaaaaa. Hakuna munhu akadaro. I mean seriously church is something else, really something. Hanzi Peter wandai famba naye ndichiti ndagona ndiye azondibaya..... ndakabaiwa veduwee

I mean, seriously, when I bounce back like now, then what? Let us pray for each other and one another. I really thank God for those that prayed for me and stood by me and did not give up on me. Where you have refreshed me may God completely refresh you too.

However, in all this offense: Yes I still should have been the bigger person and responded better; stayed up there where it was cooler and remained rooted in the Lord #amjustsaying

Imagine, i stopped ministering, sat back and did absolutely nothing in church. Letting go of: "involvement is the key to your call" like wat Pastor Bonnies always says. Thanks to work and school, I had excusese and did not attend most conferences either. The things am most passionate about: young people,  order and worship, I totally abandoned, completely. My giftings were packed away neatly. short changing myself and the body of Christ. At times I even felt I was swimming backstroke in sin. Lolest!

I have since realised that church and my gym are so similar. Different people with different goals come to the same place seeking help. We all need different type attention and workout routine. Others are fit and others are just beginners, therefore we can not be assigned the same exercises.

My instructor 21years of age by the way,  he is always shooting no pain: no gain! You should hear him when he tells me you need to burn that tummy or strengthen those legs..he shouts for all to hear.  But funny enough I do not take offense at all because I know the results I seek!

The same way I exercise my body muscles I should too my spiritual muscles. Read my word, fellowship and serve. I grow and become strong when I serve in the house of God. Even the gifts that God has given me needs to be exercised. I mean I can't have a Prophetic gift and not even prophesy or healing and never heal. I have to be actively conscious to strengthen their spiritual muscle.

This year I will deliberately come back to my first love..God. Return to my rightful body weight too. He says draw near to me and I will draw near to you.  Boy am I going to be all up in His intimate space. I know there is no spiritual barometer to measure my holiness: but my God and I will know. I am reading my word, praying and returning to serve.

This weight loss journey has made me realise that I can not accomplish my healing emotionally without the Holy Spirit as my central pivot system.. 5/10 it can't. Hazviite kani

My instructor at the gym never ridicules me when I come with sore thighs and painful arms or when a set is difficult to complete.  Instead he helps me work that pain out and reminds me to set my eyes on the goal. He even insists I close my eyes and envision that one person who will Eat their heart out when i loose weight. Reminding me there are people waiting for me to fail saying hai haiwa, haiwawo... zvipiko she can't do it.  He shouts 'prove them wrong'. Well if you are one of those you will not only eat your heart out..nechitaka coz I am doing this!!!!

I will choose my instructors wisely in 2014; not those that point fingers and day holier than thou what what things.  But those like Jesus who lives you through it all. Psalm 1 veduwe.

I have been weak these two past days gym and the fast. . But I am sure soon I will be used to it. There are times when I just say ah What's the point. .. But s still small voice reminds me to keep at it.

The amount of encouragement I have been getting is overwhelming and humbling.  I feel like Man United though am not at my best or at the top; its not over until it's really over! I still have full support that keeps me going. Thank you for the love and support best of all for believing in me. Its day 10 today 11days from establishing a habit.

Til next time God bless you zvinemutsindo! Be a blessing to others too!

The journey intensifies

Its true what the Bible says 'the footsteps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord' I am beyond in awe  if my God. In case you have been wondering how am holding up exercise wise.  Great. .I have been diligent waking up at 5 am to walk, skip rope and yoga.

Well even the days I really don't feel like it, Peace will not allow me to slack. She is on me like a tick on a dog. She will not even even have it. Not even. You can't even pay her kani. Hakuna munhu akadaro! I wake up and still go workout.

Well today I started at a gym. Yes gym. I was disciplined for 21days. That's how long it takes to establish a habit. So whether I like it or not my body will wake up at 5am everyday.  I even worked out on Christmas day and if course today.

The gym is at Marondera Country club. With my own trainer and good equipment. If I told you how much it will cost me per month you will be green with envy. Its $20 a month. And to top it all off. . Is walking distance from home. 

Gym was intense and the instructor had no mercy. So he first says 10 min on the bike and I thought it was a piece of cake. .lolest I was the piece of cake!  It was so painful I thought I was going to die... Yes die from workout!  But I was to determined I pulled through. Even did weights and stepping and  punching bag. Yah ndokushandira korona manje uku! ..go sokostina go! 

However what I have also realised is even emotionally am getting vulnerable, that hard shell is breaking. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. A serious mess. It's not easy at all. Then on Sunday someone says to me, I thought you are on some journey. . How come you gaining weight.  I was broken, yet the dress I was wearing on the day was giving me more room to manoeuvre and breath.  I felt dejected, my confidence plummeted to the rock bottom.

I thought really. .. wow beat me down why don't you. I then reminded myself that Rome war not built in a day and surely can't be destroyed in a day either. So if she couldn't see it going up it didn't mean the foundation war not being dug. I just told her an digging the foundation and is a deep foundation. What am building needs precision and am in no hurry to show the world. .... But like Rome, ONE day I will be a spectacular wonder to behold: I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I have also decided to be honest with myself and how I feel. When I can I also air or if an happy or when I feel taken for granted.  

Recently,over and above the above, I was hurt badly by a very very close friend so bad I thought my heart was going to break. I felt used and unworthy.  Boy did I want to eat. I was so tempted to just throw in the towel...I was like What's the point. I threw a pity party! Tears and all!  Even said very horrible things to myself. I was full throttle towards the fridge!

At that very moment I put on my workout regalia and went jogging at 5pm listening to music. I felt so good afterwards! 

Working out felt better and more relaxing and I did not entangle my emotions with food.  It gets harder and harder. .yet easier and easier everyday. Funny huh?

I am more determined than ever to work hard and a bring down the emotional walls of Jericho. I know I might have to go round 7 months or more. ..but they will come down.

So yes its getting really intense.. however tomorrow is day two at the gym.

P/s I haven't forgotten part 2 of debt and weight are so related.